http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kpwng9SCQyQ&feature=related

we should watch this together.

<3

Rascal Flatts- I'm Moving On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Clay Walker- Fall

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you 
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, hunny, its okay

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine 
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

I have decided that what I write on this page, so named Word Vomit, it is now considered verbal diarrhea.

the end.

It is 2:43 am and I cant seem to fall asleep.  I have so much on my mind that my brain wont cease to stop functioning for a short period of time.  I find myself starting my organic chemistry pre-lab write-up and getting bored quickly because I am unsure of what the answers are.  So I will try reading now to bore myself into sleep.  I doubt that will work too because my mind will tell me I have to keep going in order to stay on top of all the work I still have to complete.  I am hungry.

It might just be that I cant sleep because I am lonely.  I hate my stupid bed.  Its so.... what's the appropriate word?  Empty?  Cold? I have no idea how to describe how big it seems to feel.  I curl up against the wall hoping that I wont realize it will still be empty when I wake up.

My post secret is up.  I heard people in the hallway asking questions about it throughout the week.  I wanted to speak up and explain what it meant however my bravery was lacking monday through friday it seemed.  I could not just tell them it was mine and the name was his.  HIS.... see I still cant say it out loud.  Not even to myself.  That is a sad thought.  Its like I am avoiding the truth.  Avoiding something that can and has hurt me.

I think I need a counselor.

I can try to fight it on my own but everyone around me suffers.  Partners, lovers... friends. Some try to understand but I am so scared to speak about it.  When I think, nightmares rush in like a pack of wild dogs to an injured feline.  They are swift to make their move and finish off the hopeless animal.  I refuse to be that injured cat.  I refuse to show just how screwed up I really am inside.  Will my consistent thoughts consume me?  I can only hope that I will prevail.

Struggling with them is all I know. How long have I done this for?  8 1/2 years? 9?  Some thoughts are more than I can bare.  I am struggling to catch my breath even now, door locked, knife under my pillow.... safe.  From who?  I think I am more afraid of myself.  I know that if it were to happen again and I was armed with a weapon, I would only turn it on myself because I could never hurt another human being.  And I know I could not live with the trauma all over again.  I am still a coward to this day.  And that thought brings tears to my eyes.

So tomorrow I am putting up my post secret.  I am more scared than I have been in a very long time.  I think the only time I was more scared was walking into the funeral home when we were having my mothers wake.  I remember my knees going weak and just breaking.  I didnt want my mother to be really gone.  I thought for the longest time that it wasn't her in the casket, that she would come back for me and we could run away and never look back.  She has yet come for me.  And I continue waiting.  I think I am still a child inside, believing something so much that I know can not be true.  Dead people cant come back.  But I still harbor the hope that maybe, just maybe, she will knock on my door and I wont have to be scared anymore, that maybe I will have my best friend back.

I need to grow up.

I think I am scared that people will use the name against me.  That people will say something to him and that someone will make me report it.  I will not.  And I am only doing this because staying silent has gotten to the point where I am slowly dieing inside.  My heart breaks more and more just because I can't cope with trusting someone not to hurt me.  I need to trust.  I need to learn that just because you give someone the ability to destroy you, doesn't mean that they will.  I guess I still have alot of growing up to do.

Not Ready to Make Nice

"They say time heals everything.... but I'm still waiting."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dblAC5uLb8

Story of my life.