Linkin Park

"What I've Done"

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

[Pre-Chorus:]
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

[Chorus:]
I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

[Chorus]

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Breaking Benjamin

"Dear Agony"

I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy whithin
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Dear Agony

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Leave me alone
God let me go
I'm blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

I feel nothing anymore

Saves the Day

"Hold"

Oh well, you've got me under your spell
and I don't think that I'm kidding around.
I don't think I can forget you now.
I once sat up on my roof and examined the planning of my town.
I saw the structured grid and pavement cutting through grass
and I remembered the cold of winter running up the legs of my pants.
I picked the nicest lawn and imagined the two of us
rolling around down along the ground.
I saw myself touch your face and I noticed jets begin to race above our heads.
But I pinched my arm and remembered how much you hate me.
I remembered the fact that I can't see what you need
and I'm too stupid to be aware of the beauty that you give this place
and how shitty this town would seem without you in it.
When you aren't around I let the shades fall down to shut out
all the sun's light and make myself feel all right.
What am I doing with my life?
Remember that the only things we need sometimes
are chilly nights and warmer thighs, 'cause there's nothing like being held.

Saves the Day

"Head For The Hills"

Burning a door in the back of my mind
Lying alone in the morning
I feel like swallowing my eyes
I walk around the house until
My feet begin to bleed
Still I can't forget somehow

[Chorus:]
Drowning in the darkness of my mind
I dream I'm setting fire to everything in sight
And if I die tonight and go to Hell, oh well
I wonder will I see you

Cut off my legs when you tell me to walk
Slit my own throat when you say to talk
I've been swallowing your lies
And I recall you asked about
The one you used to know
I know him now

[Chorus]

My heart is burning black
My bones are cold and cracked
The venom flushed out my veins
And if you ever knew what I'm dreaming of
You would head for the hills

You'd better head for the hills
You'd better head for the hills

[Chorus]

Greatest Math Problem ever....

This is a problem, which can be easily solved by children before entering elementary school. If you want to give it a try, please forget everything you have ever studied. Here it comes:

8809 = 6
7111 = 0
2172 = 0
6666 = 4
1111 = 0
3213 = 0
7662 = 2
9312 = 1
0000 = 4
2222 = 0
3333 = 0
5555 = 0
8193 = 3
8096 = 5
7777 = 0
9999 = 4
7756 = 1
6855 = 3
9881 = 5
5531 = 0

2581 = ?


Want the answer???? let me know

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Da da da, da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry
Da da da, da da

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Please, please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)

Baby please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back
It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Baby, please, please don't leave me

Turn it inside out so I can see
The part of you that's drifting over me
And when I wake you're never there
But when I sleep you're everywhere
You're everywhere

Just tell me how I got this far
Just tell me why you're here and who you are
'Cause every time I look
you're never there
And every time I sleep
you're always there

'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
that makes me believe
I'm not alone
I'm not alone

I recognize the way you make me feel
It's hard to think that
you might not be real
I sense it now, the water's getting deep
I try to wash the pain away from me
Away from me

'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
that makes me believe
I'm not alone
I'm not alone

I am not alone
Whoa, oh, oooh, oh

And when I touch your hand
It's then I understand
The beauty that's within
It's now that we begin
You always light my way
I hope there never comes a day
No matter where I go
I always feel you so

'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
that makes me believe
I'm not alone
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I catch my breath
it's you I breathe
You're everything I know
that makes me believe
I'm not alone

You're in everyone I see
So tell me
Do you see me?

Flaw- Recognize

"Recognize"

Well I've had enough
Of these selfish crimes
I hurt myself again
Not knowing why
It seems so easy
To leave it all behind
And avoid the truth I think I'd rather just go blind

Then everything erupts
My life has come unglued
And the ties that bind have left me
What am I to do?

Can't seem to recognize
That stare behind those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Who's looking back at me?
Can't focus through the pain
And I am fading into nothing?
The reflection must get clearer

I think I'm cracking up
Like I've lost my mind
I hurt myself again
Still don't know why
I end up the same way
Each and every time
I can't avoid the truth
Theres just nowhere to run and hide

Then everything erupts
Just like I knew it would
I'm down here on and off
It never felt that good
Is this what I've become
My life has come unglued
And the ties that bind have left me
What am I to do?

Can't seem to recognize
That stare behind those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Who's looking back at me?
Can't focus through the pain
And I am fading into nothing?
The reflection must get clearer than it appears to be right now

There must be someone I can see....
Theres gotta be something for me
Show it now, let it go free
I know it's there waiting on me
Let it out, let it go free

Can't seem to recognize
That stare behind those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Who's looking back at me?
Can't focus through the pain
And I am fading into nothing
The reflection must get clearer

Goo Goo Dolls-Slide

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'

Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults

Chorus:
I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide

Yeah we're gonna let it, slide

Don't you love the life you killed
The priest is on the phone
Your father hit the wall
Your ma disowned you

Don't suppose I'll ever know
What it means to be a man
Something I can't change
I'll live around it

Chorus

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you wanna get married
Or run away

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you wanna get married
Or run away

Chorus
__________________

I ruv roo baby

Al Green- Just the Two of Us

I see the crystal raindrops fall
And the beauty of it all
when the sun comes shining through
To make those rainbows in my mind
When I think of you some time
And I want to spend some time with you

CHORUS:
Just the two of us
We can make it if we try
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
Building castles in the sky
Just the two of us
You and I
We look for love, no time for tears
Wasted waters's all that is
And it don't make no flowers grow
Good things might come to those who wait
Not to those who wait to late
We got to go for all we know

CHORUS

I hear the crystal raindrops fall
On the window down the hall
And it becomes the morning dew
Darling, when the morning comes
And I see the morning sun
I want to be the one with you

Just the two of us
We can make it if we try
Just the two of us
Just the two of us
Building big castles way on high
Just the two of us
You and I
Just the two of us
Let's get together, baby
Just the two of usWe can make it
Just the two of us
We can make it
Just the two of us
Just the two of us we can make it


_____________________________
Les Miserables-Castle on a cloud

COSETTE:
There is a castle on a cloud,
I like to go there in my sleep
,
Aren't any floors for me to sweep,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a room that's full of toys
,
There are a hundred girls and boys,
Nobody shouts or talks too loud,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a lady all in white,
Holds me and sings a lullaby,
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch,
She says,

Tpain

Got the body of a goddess
Got eyes butter pecan brown I see you girl
Droppin Low
She Comin Down from the ceiling
To tha floo
Yea She Know what she doin
Yea yea yea
She doin that right thang
Yea yea yea yea ea
I Need to get her over to my crib and do that night thang

05-12-01

I love you momma.
I miss you more than I ever thought possible.
I have pushed away your memories for so long.
The pain has been unbearable.
I want to start over.
I think of you everyday.
You made me who I am.
Kind gentle and loving.
I will never forget that about you.
Hard-ass personality.
Amazing provider, friend, and mother.
Today I will not mourn the loss of your life.
But celebrate it and all that it meant.
I love you.

random thoughts

Mothers day is tomorrow... just another day... right?  It should be.  I bought my aunt a gift... flowers.  She hates flowers.  I know she'll just complain that I bought her another plant.... but she keeps killing the others.  So I have to keep buying her more.  Thats my theory.

So tonight my aunt and uncle decided to put in Passion of the Christ after I said " I wanna watch Twister..." can you guess who won, my uncle. Of course.  Right before the movie started I said, "Movie spoiler.... jesus dies, can we watch twister now?"   My aunt laughed for about 10 minutes.  And said that was the best line she has heard out of me in a while.  Usually I just give in and let my uncle do what he wants.  But tonight I put up a bit of a fight.... through sarcasm.  So after failing miserably and watching half of the movie I didn't want to see.  I started off to bed.  My aunt said.. "WAIT there is a surprise ending!"  I replied... "Oh yes, I forgot, he gets up after being crucified and lives to tell the story."  She laughed.  I went to be.

On another note, Jen stood me up today.  I believe for her ex gf.  Which is fine.  I really dont care.  I am just pissed at being there for someone who doesnt give two shits about me.  I dont wanna be home.  I dont wanna be in my room at 11:14pm writing about pointless stuff that doesnt matter.

On a better note... I visited my job for the summer.  Took me 1 hr and 45 min to get there and 2.15 hours to get home.  I got lost.  Opps.   Anyway... my first day there I got to hold two juvenile painted turtles.  They were about the size of a half dollar.   Very cute.  And the camp director is hot.  Hah.  I am going to like camp.  The view is gorgeous.  Even though I am sleeping on a platform tent.  I will upload a picture of it next to this blog after I finish typing.  I think I will fit in well there.  Only problem is..... I get one day off a week.  5:30pm to 5:30pm.  How am I suppose to visit anyone in that amount of time.  It takes 4.5 hours to get from camp to Orono.  I would spend 80% of the time off traveling and sleeping.  WTF.  I can tell this summer is going to be miserable for my social life.  I asked her if i could combine my days off so I could visit a friend in the summer.  She said unfortunately no.  Only if you have a wedding or family emergency.  She said her and I can talk about it later.  She might be able to do one weekend off for the entire summer.  =(  Major bummer.  I almost burst into tears when she said that.  Enough complaining from me for now.... wana see where i am living this summer?

This is the platform.....

 

This is the tent....

I miss you btw.  You know who you are.  I wish we couldve spent more time together before summer break.  I wish we would have more time together over the summer... I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me.  Pretending you are down the street isnt working as well as I had originally hoped.  I wish I could hold you again.  I know you know how I feel.  I just dont want you to forget that. <3>

Watching you from across the room, eyes bright and full of life. Lips perfect, I dream of kissing them once more. Your dark features are visible from a ways away. Singing along to "Can You Feel the Love Tonight." I can only think of how much I love you. "What?" you ask. I just cant stop staring at you. You are beautiful. I think you were born in the 70's with some of the music you like. All the expressions your face makes, I love them all. You look up at me and my heart beats faster. I am happiest waking up next to you in the morning and going to sleep next to you at night. I am in love with you.

<3

One Day at a Time- Jeremy Camp

One day at a time I will walk this road I've traveled so far
One day at a time well I know I will carry on
One day at a time I can see you took my life this far
One day at a time I will take this faith along

All this hope I breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and I'll take all I will
To understand this plan you have for me, for me

I've been shut up shut down held out held down
In ways I never knew I would
But I can feel your fullness in my life
Well I've been burned out broken torn out torn down
In ways I never knew I would
But I can feel your fullness in my life

one day at a time

One day at a time I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time I will walk these valleys through

And all I know is that I see
How much my heart is longing to be cradled by your side
Yeah, I'll give all I can
To one day soon be held by your hand, by your hand

[Chorus]

In all these things I will press on, yeah
I'll be with you I know it won't be long

[Chorus Repeats]

__________________________
I love this song. <3 makes my heart a happy camper.

Speaking of camper. I will soon start my summer job at a kids wildlife sumer camp. I am not only a camp counselor but the Archery Coordinator (as long as I pass the test, hah). I am really excited to start something new. Meet new people, grow in maturity and have someone put enough faith in me to teach kids to shoot.

Now if I only can make sure none of them shoot someone.... =)

Leanne Rhymes- I need you

I don't need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You're my only reason
You're my only truth

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you

You're the hope that moves me
To courage again
You're the love that rescues me
When the cold winds, rage
And it's so amazing
'Cause that's just how you are
And I can't turn back now
'Cause you've brought me too far

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
And it carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do
I need you
ahh i need you

Can You Feel the Love Tonight- Elton John

There's a calm surrender to the rush of day
When the heat of the rolling world can be turned away
An enchanted moment, and it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior just to be with you

And can you feel the love tonight
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far
And can you feel the love tonight
How it's laid to rest
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best

There's a time for everyone if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn
There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager beats in time with yours
_________________________________________________
You make me the happiest woman.
I am so happy I found you.
Ich liebe dich. <3

Just finished the small surprise I've been planning for a week. I hope it goes over well. I think it will. Can't wait for the next one... *evil laugh*. Bigger and better. Gosh I think I caught the love bug. =)

<3

Conversation with the brother

Me: Have I told you recently that I love you, and that I am proud of you. Well. Just wanted to put that out there.

Bro: Hey kiddo, love you too! I tell people all the time how proud I am of you.

Me: I dont feel so proud of myself, but thank you!

Bro: I am not having this contestant with you. You are doing awesome.

Me: I dont feel like doing this whole school thing anymore. I hate it here.

Bro: I am not going to hit you with cliche's but you quit because things get hard, you're no different than dad. You're gunna do what you want either way, but you'll regret quitting. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But you will.

Me: You know I wont quit. I am just tired of feeling dumber than half the school, who can graduate with 4.0's on time.

Bro: You're not, but when you devote more time to running your gay pride association then studying you're gunna slide. You need to devote your time to what matters. Graduate and be done with it... know what the call a guy that graduates bottom of his class of med school? Doctor.

Me: I am not going to med school. I am going to be a conservationist. You know what they call those here who cant graduate on time? Slackers and my organization isnt affecting my grades. You dont knwo what its like to be marginalized. I have to constantly fight to get rights and respect.

Bro: No. You choose to fight for respect. I support you best I can, kid but you make your homosexuality out to be work. I work around gays all day long and they're treated no different than me or anyone else. College may not be exactly the same but I'm betting that if (you) it werent so damn hypersensitive and took things less personally your life would be infinitely better. There are millions of people out there who have it so much worse than you, but all you can do it wallow in self pity over your sexual orientation. Grow up Krystal. Because you may be getting away with this now, but when you get into the real world all you be is a feminist bitch. I love you, and I'm sorry that you're gonna be mad and once again wallow in your own self pity for a week, but there will be a day when you figure out that I'm right.

Me: I am not wallowing in self pity. I want the same rights as you were born with and I will be damned if I am going to let anyone refuse me that. I study alot. I am aceing organic chemistry. I am finally proud of who I am and I am happy. I am just pissed at one class. Again thanks for making me feel like I'm 5yrs old. I was wrong in thinking I could talk to you without getting a lecture.

Bro:You get treated as how you act. You have the same rights. This isn't 16th century europe.

Me: I just wanted some confidence that I figured you could give me. Sorry to bother you at work.
Me: Alright have a good night. Love you.
___________________________________________________
During this conversation I was at dinner with a few friends. I couldnt help but start to cry. I learned that my brother is not someone I should ever go to for anything other than a hardass response.
I am not going to stop fighting for equal rights.
I am not going to faulter and give up.
If that means I am in some peoples eyes, a feminist bitch, than so be it.
I am allowed to marry in ONE state. I am allowed to adopt in THREE. I want to ask how that is that same rights as my brother.
When I need to pee in public, I search for a gender neutral bathroom because i am too scared to use a female one. I am afraid of people looking at me like I have six heads, like I am in the wrong bathroom because I look like a guy. I called my aunt crying. She had no idea what to say except that "You are fighting for what you believe in, more than he's ever done." I think that was the best thing she has ever said to me.

All this started by me telling him I loved him. By wanting to do the right thing and wanting to share with him how I was feeling. Lesson learned. Guess he wont come to my wedding. Oh right. I cant fucking get married.

song

So I found the song I have been looking for. The title is Youth of a Nation by POD. Take a listen if you get a chance. It speaks what I have been seeing since i was a kid. I could find a bit of myself in each kid that he talked about except the one that pulled a gun on someone else.
I was promiscuous, I was the class clown, I was suicidal. When I first heard this song, it surprised the shit out of me and I fell for every word. I hate the fact that it screams the truth.

I will try to post the lyrics below, but I seem to be having an issue with it.

Lets try again.

POD- Youth of a Nation

Last day of the rest of my life
I wish I would’ve known
Cause I didn't kiss my mama goodbye
I didn’t tell her that I loved her, how much I cared
Or thank my pops for all the talks
And all the wisdom he shared
Unaware, I just did what I always do
Everyday, the same routine
Before I skate off to school

But who knew that this day wasn’t like the rest
Instead of taking a test
I took two to the chest
Call me blind, but I didn’t see it coming
Everybody was running
But I couldn’t hear nothing
Except gun blasts, it happened so fast
I don’t really know this kid
Even though I sit by him in class

Maybe this kid was reaching out for love
Or maybe for a moment
He forgot who he was
Or maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged
Whatever it was
I know it’s because

We are, We are, (We are) the youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) the youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) youth of the nation

Little Suzy, she was only twelve
She was given the world
With every chance to excel
Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell
She might act kind of proud
But no respect for herself
She finds love in all the wrong places
The same situations
Just different faces
Changed up her pace since her daddy left her
Too bad he never told her
She deserved much better

Johnny boy always played the fool
He broke all the rules
So you would think he was cool
He was never really one of the guys
No matter how hard he tried
Often thought of suicide
It’s kind of hard when you ain’t got no friends
He put his life to an end
They might remember him then
You cross the line and there’s no turning back
Told the world how he felt
With the sound of a gat

We are, We are, (We are) the youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) the youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) youth of the nation

Na, na, na , na, na, na, na, na, na, na
na, na, na

Who’s to blame for the lives that tragedies claim
No matter what you say
It don’t take away the pain
That I feel inside, I’m tired of all the lies
Don’t nobody know why
It’s the blind leading the blind
I guess that’s the way the story goes
Will it ever make sense
Somebody’s got to know

There’s got to be more to life than this
There’s got to be more to everything
I thought exists

Chorus:
We are, We are, the youth of the nation
We are, We are, youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are, we are) the youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are, we are) youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are, we are) the youth of the nation
(the youth of the nation)
We are, We are, (We are, we are) youth of the nation
(youth of the nation)
We are, We are, (We are, we are) the youth of the nation
(the youth of the nation)
We are, We are, (We are, we are) youth of the nation
(youth of the nation)

We are...
Youth of the nation
We are...
Youth of the nation
We are...
Youth of the nation
We are...

I have been struggling with the developing story concerning Amber. Most people know what has been going on with the investigation. Agents have been to my dorm and have asked me numerous questions concerning our relationship. We met once. I was honest, truthful and blunt. Just as they were with me.

I had a nightmare last night concerning Amber and her daughter. Everytime I woke up, I fell back into the dream right where I left off. It has left me feeling lost.

Tonight at AA I saw someone with the same structural facial features as Amber. I feel like wherever I go, I will be reminded of my mistakes. All I want to do is curl into a ball and cry. Could be my period. Could be that I just cant take the stress of this situation anymore. I am trying to get over this. Move on with my life. My brain just wont shut off. I find myself searching for updates on the case daily. I am not sure why I am so obsessed with researching this. I think I just want to reassure myself that I didnt make a mistake. That she isnt crazy. I never thought that when we hung out. She seemed normal. But clearly something was wrong because she killed someone. The pictures online are devastating. I need to get over this. Quickly. *sighs*

Quotes that I found

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
let it be spoken without effect,
without the trace of a shaddow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was;
there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near, just round the corner.
And all is well.

Henry Scott Holland ~ 1847-1918
Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral ~ London. UK
__________________________________
Love is a strange thing. It can be the most amazing feeling in the world, or it can really hurt, but in the end love is something most, if not all of us, will face."
-wikiHow
_______________________________

Last night I was dancing and singing in my underwear (to Christina Aguilera's Beautiful) when a strong, deafening knock came to my door. I opened it to find two detectives and a cop standing there. My first thought was.... Krys you should put on pants. Hah. I asked them if I could put on pants before they came in. They said sure, so I threw on pants, took a deep breath and welcomed them in. I always swore that I would put others before myself, but I think I have been neglecting myself. Because last night was more than I could bare. I told the truth and for that I am sad. I could have given information that may hurt her later on. But I wasnt going to lie. I also gave them a friends number who saw her and I together on the 1st of November. I gave them the movie stub. I dont need it anymore, memory I dont want to have. Mistakes I am reminded of daily with the news of her walking into the court house. I break more every day. Only one person so far has been able to see the pain I hide behind my eyes. I am on the verge of crying again. I didnt want to hurt her. But I am not going to lie to the cops. Plus I wanted them out of my dorm as quickly as possible, people were walking by seeing them leave. I looked like a convict. I wanted them out I wanted to get it over it.

Being interrogated for an hour is not as much fun as someone would think.
They didnt even take me out of class.... James told me to start yelling "I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS AN INVASIVE SPECIES" hah wouldve been funny. Too bad my career wouldve been over. Too bad indeed.

I am trying to hold on but I have lost my will to fight. Seventh Day Slumber- Shattered Life.

Breaking Benjamin- You

My hands are broken,
And time is going on and on, it goes forever (how long).
So I got high and lived all that life that I've taken all for granted.

[Chorus:]
Promise me you'll try
To leave it all behind,
'cause I've elected hell,
Lying to myself.
Why have I gone blind?
Live another life.

You. You.

The only way out
Is letting your guard down and never die forgotten (I know).
Forgive me, my love,
I stand here all alone, and I can see the bottom.

[Chorus]

You. You.
You. You.
You. You.

I am terrified of the secret behind your eyes,
What did you really want to say.
Whatever you are, Whatever you dream,
Tell me what you want, dont hide it from me.

I can be there when you fall,
I can be the one you want.
Just give me a chance to give you peace
I want to be the one you wake next to after a deep sleep.

Fall into my arms, into my eyes.
I will hold you while you cry,
Dont worry angel, your secrets are mine.
After all is said and done, I will be by your side.

Sick Puppies- What Are You Looking For?

"What Are You Looking For?"

I walk the line of the disappointed
I celebrate when I'm in pain
My heart and mind can be disjointed
I built a bed in this hole I made
I recognize that I'm damaged
I sympathize that you are too
But I wanna breathe without feelin' so self-conscious
But it's hard when the world's starin' at you

Another piece of the puzzle, that doesn't fit
You throw your arms up, you're so damn sick of it
What are you working for
What are you searching for
Love
You won't be thinking of cars when
You're on your death bed and dyin'
You'll only be thinkin' of what you are paying for,
What you are praying for
Love

You join the line of the getting richer
You keep your pace but it's movin' slow
You are defined by all that you have hoarded
But you're surprised it doesn't fill up the hole.

Another piece of the puzzle, that doesn't fit
You throw your arms up, you're so damn sick of it
What are you coping for

What are you hoping for
Love
You won't be thinking of cars when
You're on your death bed and dyin'
You'll only be thinkin' of what you are paying for,
What you are praying for
Love

I'll never be what I see on the TV screen
I just keep dreaming of what I'm never gonna be
I can't think of a better way to waste my time then try

Another piece of the puzzle, that doesn't fit
You throw your arms up, you're so damn sick of it
What are you hurtin' for
What are you searching for
Love love love love
You won't be thinking of cars when
You're on your death bed and dyin'
You'll only be thinkin' of what you are paying for,
What you are praying for
Love love love love

You won't be thinkin' of cars when
You're on your death bed and dyin'
You'll only be thinkin' of what are you workin' for,
What are you waitin' for

Red- Already Over

"Already Over"

You never go
Your always here (suffocating me)
Under my skin
I cannot run away
Fading slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

My best defense, running from you
I can't resist, take all you want from me
Breaking slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now!

You're all I'm reaching for
It's already over
All I'm reaching for!
It's already over now

I'd give it all to you
I offer up my soul
It's already over, already over now!

Give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again!
I know it's already over now!
It's already over now!
I know it's already over, already over

Disciple- Things Left Unsaid and Superchic(k)- Hero

"Things Left Unsaid"

It's just a matter of
time a few days ago
I saw you, you were fine
Remembering what you said
About the book you read
The one I got you
The Beginning of the End
Oh how we'd talk
For hours upon end
What I would give
Just to do it again
But you're lying there
In this hospital bed
Won't you open you eyes
And let's talk once again

[Chorus:]
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you
that I love you
I hope that you can hear me
I hope that you can feel me
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you
that I'm sorry
That I never told you
When we were face to face

Well I've been here all night
And I'm watching you
Breathe in and breathe out
Is it really you
Or just a machine
That's giving you life
And making it seem
That there could be hope
I could say to your face
If it were not for you
That there would be no grace
That has covered my life
You took the time
To speak into my mind
And my heart
Words of life

[Chorus]

So goodbye for now
And I'll see you again
Some way, somehow
When it's my turn
To go to the other side
I'll hold you again
And melt at your smile
Now all I have
Are the ones that I'm with
And you taught me not
To take for granted
The time that we have
To show that we care
Speak into their minds
And their hearts
While their here
And say I love you

If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you
that I love you
I hope that you can hear me
I hope that you can feel me
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you
that I'm sorry
That I never told you
When we were face to face
_____________________________

"Hero"

No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him
Cause you want to belong, do you go along?
Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It's not like you hate him or want him to die
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
And a kindness from you might have saved his life

[Tag:]
Heroes are made when you make a choice

[Chorus:]
You could be a hero - heroes do what's right
You could be a hero - you might save a life
You could be a hero- you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her on life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice

[Tag]

[Chorus]

[Rap]
Little Mikey D. was the one in class who everyday got brutally harassed
This went on for years until he decided that never again would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door, grabbed a four-four out of his father's dresser drawer
And said I can't take life no more
And like that life can be lost
But this ain't even about that
All of us just sat back and watched it happen
Thinkin' it's not my responsibility to solve a problem that isn't even about me
This is our problem
This is just one of the daily scenarios which we choose to close our eyes
Instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, and rearranged
Now it's our time to pick a side
So don't keep walkin' by
Not wantin' to intervene
Cause you wanna exist and never be seen
So let's wake up and change the world
Our time is now

No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's the leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life

[Chorus:]
You could be a hero (Our time is now)
Heroes do what's right
You could be a hero (Our time is now)
You might save a life
You could be a hero, You could join the fight (Our time is now)
For what's right, for what's right

Come Down to Me- Saving Jane

Words fall out of my mouth
And I can’t seem to trace what I’m saying
Everybody wants your time
I’m just dreaming out loud,
I can’t have you for mine and I know it
I just wanna watch you shine.

Tripping up on my tongue,
It’s all over my face and I’m racing
Gotta get away from you
Burning all the way home,
Try to put it to bed but it chases
Every little thing I do

When the light falls on your face,
Don’t let it change you
When the stars get in your eyes,
Don’t let them blind you.

You’re beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line, and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be,
Come down to me.

Spell it out in a song,
Bet you never catch on to my weakness
I’m singing every word for you.
Here I’m thinking I’m sly
Then you’re catching my eye, and just maybe
You’re thinking what I’m thinking too

When you see it on my face,
Don’t let it shake you
I know better than to try and
Take you with me.


You’re beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line, and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be,
Come down to me. (x2)

__________________________________
More true than I would like it to be.
Because my eyes say it all.
You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
And I wish that I could make you see.

Emotionless

Hey dad
I'm writing to you
not to tell you, that I still hate you
just to ask you
how you feel
and how we fell apart
how this fell apart

are you happy out there in this great wide world?
do you think about your sons?
do you miss your little girl?
when you lay your head down
how do you sleep at night?
do you even wonder if we're all right?

but we're all right
we're all right

[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried
you broke my mother's heart
you broke your children for life
it's not ok,
but we're all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive

the days I spent so cold, so hungry
were full of hate
I was so angry
the scars run deep inside this tattooed body
there's things I'll take, to my grave
but I'm okay
I'm okay

[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried
you broke my mother's heart
you broke your children for life
it's not ok,
but we're all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive
yeah, I'm still alive

sometimes
I forgive
yeah and this time
I'll admit
that I miss you, said I miss you

[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried
you broke my mother's heart
you broke your children for life
it's not ok,
but we're all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive

and sometimes
I forgive
and this time
I'll admit
that I miss you, I miss you
hey dad

"Whole"- Flaw

So maybe I am bound by fate
A problematic scarring induced by hate
It never seems to all pan out
Is that what all this teaching is needed to scout
You seemed to have a bad effect
Your rules and contradictions I would neglect
Though not my fault you made me feel
Like my own education wasn't truly real

[Chorus:]
Then you came right in tearing out my soul
How could all this loss be your only goal
I'm left standing here desperate in the cold
Since you took your life mine has not been whole

So there I stood a scolded child
The reasons never questioned
My pains been filed
Inside this place that makes me feel
I learned life is unfair and that is very real

[Chorus]

While you try to overcome the lesson
Making the most of those questions that just keeps me guessing
I'm looking longer, harder, further than I ever have
Solitude breaking me down you always seemed glad
To put me down and stick me in that little pit
Personal growth as a child that mattered not a bit
Then I became the person that you hated most
Disrespecting the father, son, and holy ghost
A small example of what the things you've done to me
Have changed in my life and changed the things that I can't be

I'll never be!!

Skillet- Whispers in the Dark

"Whispers In The Dark"

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

[Chorus:]
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear my whispers in the dark

You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay here broken and naked
My love is
Just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

Heartbreaker- Pink

I keep thinkin' bout that little sparkle in your eye
Is it a light from the angels, or your devil deep inside?
What about the way you say you love me all the time
Are you liftin' me up to heaven, just to drop me down the line?

There's a ring around my finger,
But will you change your mind?
And you tell me that I'm beautiful,
But that could be a lie

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride
What if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker?
And everything is just a lie
I won't be leavin' here alive
I won't be leavin' here alive, no

Temporary happiness is like waiting for the knife
Cause I'm always watchin' for someone to show their darker side
So maybe I'll sit back and just enjoy all this for now
Watch it all play out, see if you really stick around

But there's always this one question
That keeps me up at night
Are you my greatest love
Or disappointment in my life?

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride
What if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker?
And everything is just a lie
I won't be leavin' here alive
I might as well lay down and die

I'm holding on with both hands and both feet, oh
Promise that you won't pull the rug out from under me

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride
I pray to god you're not a heartbreaker
This time around I won't survive
Cause if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker
And everything is just a lie
I won't be leavin' here alive
I might as well lay down and die, oh
I won't be leavin' here alive

___________________________
This song always puts me back into the right mind set when my head gets out of control. I need this as a reminder. My favorite line I think is: And you tell me that I'm beautiful,
But that could be a lie....

She has another song that I love very much. Its called Love Song. And I plan on getting a tattoo of some song lyrics from that song on me, written in german I think.

"I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars."
In german it is sort of translated as:
Eher würde ich aus Schnitten aus Liebe bluten, als ohne Narben zu leben

But I think it is more powerful in English because the german translation is not literal.

I have so many scrambled thoughts inside of me.
I feel as though I dont have a specific direction.
Everything is spinning so fast, like a tiltawhirl. You can make out colors and some shapes but you only see blurs of them. You cant pick out faces. You cant find names. Its just one big blur. Meh. I should keep doing my homework. Writing what I feel really isnt that important in the skeme of things.

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

Roy Croft

I love this quote. The end

Feels like i have been pushed down and pulled back up again.
Another road to silence that I can not win.
Back up and hit the ground running.

I always manage to take control of a situation that I never wanted.
Being pushed harder than I ever thought possible.
I dont know how to win this war of mine.

Bass chord in my heart when you speak or smile.
Your touch sends shivers down my spine.
Working late and youre all I think about.
Restlessness will soon find my head on the pillow.
Can't seem to stay focused for more than an hour.
I am not sure what I am saying.
Suppose I am just trying to figure out what I am feeling and thinking.
I dont even know.
Funny how that is.

Just So You Know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop



___________
Good song

random bundled up bullshit

Slowly slipping.
I told my counselor I had an anger problem.
Its true.
Sometimes I just break, and everything I have never wanted to tell someone will slip out.

I didnt mean to push you away.. atleast not that far away.

Its the eye of the tiger, its the thrill of the fight.

I dont know what I am doing here at Umaine and that scares me.

I am terrified about how I feel about you.

I just got a 60 on my ochem quiz.
Fuck my life.

I will try harder next time. One thing that pisses me off... 2,3-bromohexene shouldve been 2,3-dibromohexene. I didn't get partial credit. My roomate is talking really loud and I am losing focus on my shitty writing.

Short story from friday:
I was walking to the Counseling Center having a cig, thinking about what I could talk about today, my main thought: I have a lab report due in 8 hrs that I havent started. My depression has come in full swing again.
I saw Madye walking. She stopped to hug me. She thanked me for moving my cig out of range when she did hug me. I only replied with a "You're Welcome."

What I really wanted to say:
Thank you for being able to brighten a room by walking into it. Thank you for hugging me when I felt most vulnerable, even though I am not the most personable individual you know.Thank you for being my friend. I really wish I could be more like you. Happy about life, happy with my major, easily made happy. When I walk into a room, people don't smile like when they see you. I wish I could make them do that. I wish I was happier, more calm, and a little less anxious would be nice too. My energy always seems to be so uptight and unhappy. I wish I could be more like you.

Now I wish I would've told her that.

I feel horrible.  I have never fired anyone.  I am not personally doing it, mainly because the person being removed from office doesn't like me.  I feel like his failure as an officer is a result of my failure as a leader.  I feel like the worst person in the world because maybe I didn't give him enough chances.  I figured 3 months would be plenty of time to get into the swing of things, understanding responsibilities and leadership roles.  I guess not.  Maybe its just because he is a first year and hasn't exactly found his place at the University yet.  Whichever the case may be, the group has decided to remove him from office.

I want to go home. =(

I miss my dad.  However much of a pain he is when I am home.

I miss my late night talks with my aunt, and avoiding the topic of my gayness.

I miss my AA friends.

I miss my job, my dogs, my cat.

I want to go home.

Shed Some Light- Shinedown

I'm falling apart again
And I can't find a way to make amends
And I'm looking in both directions
But it's make believe, it's all pretend

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

It's innocence within the maze
But I have chosen the wrong way
I'm still getting over who I was
There's no sense of trust, there's no definition of love

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

I know now, it's not who you are
It's who you know
And I see clearly now, which way to go
I remember the way I fell from above
And I recall the way I was

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in
Shed some ling on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll...
Tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll believe
Something I'll believe

I can feel myself slipping.  My mood is changing as I write.  I feel the burning anger inside of me, I feel like I could scream in her face.  Being second guessed by my boss, advisor, and "friend" is more aggravating than I can express with words.  I am not incompetent of making executive decisions.  I am doing what I think is a good idea.  I am so sick of being down played as a lower student or person.  I may just go in and start yelling.  I will not be second guessed.  I will not be lowered.  Yes, she has been here longer.   If she wants to advise me... then advise it... do not tell me what I should and should not do.  Don't ask if I have been to meetings, because I have been to the meetings I am told to go to.  I go to meetings that I am not suppose to go to.  I am one person.  Dont tread on me.  If I am cornered I will lash out.  I hope she realizes that before she says something she will later regret.

Imagine Me and You- the Turtles

Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

So happy together
How is the weather
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together
Happy together
So happy together
So happy together (ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba)

____________

I love this song. More than anything.   I hope to have this.  I hope.  I hope.  I hope.  I hope to love someone as much as they me.  I hope.

Scattered thoughts and delusions about what this life is suppose to be has left me speechless beyond my normal recognition.  Its true that I dont try as hard as I could.  It seems like so much effort just to get an A on a report or quiz.  With all the money that goes into a piece of paper that says I am qualified to handle an animal is rather ridiculous.  I am somewhat fed up with all the effort one must put it.  And I know I could never make it onto the deans list.  I have tried really hard but never actually made it.  I wish I could.  That would make me very happy.

As it turns out, the class I thought would be the easiest, has become the hardest.  Who would've thought that ceramics required so much structural and intellectual discipline.  Rather disappointing indeed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kpwng9SCQyQ&feature=related

we should watch this together.

<3

Rascal Flatts- I'm Moving On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Clay Walker- Fall

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you 
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, hunny, its okay

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine 
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

I have decided that what I write on this page, so named Word Vomit, it is now considered verbal diarrhea.

the end.

It is 2:43 am and I cant seem to fall asleep.  I have so much on my mind that my brain wont cease to stop functioning for a short period of time.  I find myself starting my organic chemistry pre-lab write-up and getting bored quickly because I am unsure of what the answers are.  So I will try reading now to bore myself into sleep.  I doubt that will work too because my mind will tell me I have to keep going in order to stay on top of all the work I still have to complete.  I am hungry.

It might just be that I cant sleep because I am lonely.  I hate my stupid bed.  Its so.... what's the appropriate word?  Empty?  Cold? I have no idea how to describe how big it seems to feel.  I curl up against the wall hoping that I wont realize it will still be empty when I wake up.

My post secret is up.  I heard people in the hallway asking questions about it throughout the week.  I wanted to speak up and explain what it meant however my bravery was lacking monday through friday it seemed.  I could not just tell them it was mine and the name was his.  HIS.... see I still cant say it out loud.  Not even to myself.  That is a sad thought.  Its like I am avoiding the truth.  Avoiding something that can and has hurt me.

I think I need a counselor.

I can try to fight it on my own but everyone around me suffers.  Partners, lovers... friends. Some try to understand but I am so scared to speak about it.  When I think, nightmares rush in like a pack of wild dogs to an injured feline.  They are swift to make their move and finish off the hopeless animal.  I refuse to be that injured cat.  I refuse to show just how screwed up I really am inside.  Will my consistent thoughts consume me?  I can only hope that I will prevail.

Struggling with them is all I know. How long have I done this for?  8 1/2 years? 9?  Some thoughts are more than I can bare.  I am struggling to catch my breath even now, door locked, knife under my pillow.... safe.  From who?  I think I am more afraid of myself.  I know that if it were to happen again and I was armed with a weapon, I would only turn it on myself because I could never hurt another human being.  And I know I could not live with the trauma all over again.  I am still a coward to this day.  And that thought brings tears to my eyes.

So tomorrow I am putting up my post secret.  I am more scared than I have been in a very long time.  I think the only time I was more scared was walking into the funeral home when we were having my mothers wake.  I remember my knees going weak and just breaking.  I didnt want my mother to be really gone.  I thought for the longest time that it wasn't her in the casket, that she would come back for me and we could run away and never look back.  She has yet come for me.  And I continue waiting.  I think I am still a child inside, believing something so much that I know can not be true.  Dead people cant come back.  But I still harbor the hope that maybe, just maybe, she will knock on my door and I wont have to be scared anymore, that maybe I will have my best friend back.

I need to grow up.

I think I am scared that people will use the name against me.  That people will say something to him and that someone will make me report it.  I will not.  And I am only doing this because staying silent has gotten to the point where I am slowly dieing inside.  My heart breaks more and more just because I can't cope with trusting someone not to hurt me.  I need to trust.  I need to learn that just because you give someone the ability to destroy you, doesn't mean that they will.  I guess I still have alot of growing up to do.

Not Ready to Make Nice

"They say time heals everything.... but I'm still waiting."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dblAC5uLb8

Story of my life.

Fireflight- Unbreakable

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I wanna go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see 
To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better

Forget the fear it's just a crutch 
That tries to hold you back 
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust

I have been told I do too much for Wilde Stein.  That I take over and just get things done.  But once again I have proven that if I dont do it, it wont get done.  I posted this morning that I was going to be cleaning the office and it would get done faster if I had help.  Well I came in... i was a little late but I was still here.  And I started cleaning.  I finished what I felt made it look somewhat professional and not so cluttered.  And no one else came in... I have to say I was surprised.  And I can always just shut up and take it.  But I dont have to do these things.  Like taking notes or making sure everyone is where they need to be.  I do it because I know otherwise it will go and not be finished or people wont be at meetings.  So I cleaned the office.  Big deal.  I am just complaining because I feel like I expected more.  I have been email Alumni from previous years asking for suggestions for Pride week.  Has anyone else gone through this much?  Nope.  Does anyone else care as much as I do?  Probably, but they dont show it.  And now i am being looked down upon for not calling people and asking them to come in.  I am not a babysitter, nor am I someone to call others and force them to work when they have homework or other things they need or want to do.  I just wont have a life.  Tough for me.

Please dont tell me I am doing to much.  If I am its because I know it has to be done.  I got yelled at by my boss because the office looked like shit this week.  And I have fixed that problem.  SO... I am covering my own ass now as President and I am certainly not going to allow WS to look like unorganized shit and fuck it up for future groups.  I just want this group to last.  I know it helped me when I came in, and I want to make sure everyone has a chance to be out and proud.

Skillet- Comatose

I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to You
Tell me that You will listen
You're touch is what i'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing You
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I hate living without You
Dead wrong to ever doubt You
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore You
Oh how I thirst for You
Oh how I need You
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel You next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
Breathing life
Waking up
My eyes open up
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel You next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I thirst for You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real

_______________________________________

I heard this song in the car last night with KT fray and Meggles.  I love this song.  I only needed to hear it once to be addicted to the words and the feelings it left resonating in me.  It echos everything I have never been able or willing to say.  It makes me feel like I am not so crazy.  Maybe I am and there is someone out there who feels the same as I do.

Resonating is such a good word: Produce or be filled with a deep, full, reverberating sound.  Its a figurative form of speech.  To evoke or suggest images, memories or emotions.  Comes from the latin word resonare.

I cant seem to explain all my feelings lately which is why I havent blogged about what I am feeling. " Your finger tips across my skin.  You sang me spanish lullabyes, the sweetest sadness in your eyes. I never wanna see you unhappy.  Goodbye, my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream, I'm trying not to think about you." (And failing miserably).  And I am failing miserably.  I can feel myself pushing you away and thats something I dont want, but in fear I am doing it, unconsciously and consciously.  Sometimes I have to, other times I dont.  Like putting myself down makes you take a step back, but you always step forward again.  Will there be a time where you wont step forward again and I'll regret pushing.  The intelligent thing to do at this point would be to try see myself from your perspective.  This is my goal.  To try harder to accept myself and change the things I dont like.  Being a hardass for one.  I will show the real me.  I hope people can handle the change.  I hope I can handle the change.

Addison Road-Sticking With You

Come on, it's me you're talking to

There's something going on inside of you
Don't have to say it, but I wish you would
Cause it would be much easier

You always hide behind yourself
You walk a lonely road with no one's help
I hate to break the news
You're headed for a fall

And if I have to jump
Then I'll jump
And I won't look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull
Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be around
I'm sticking with you
I'm sticking with you

Even if you try and shut me out
I'm staying here 'cause thats what love's about
I might let you down, but I won't let you go

So lean into me, I want to know 
Everything about the fear you hold inside
'Cause you and I are better than just one so

If I have to jump
Then I'll jump
And I wont look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull
Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be around
I'm sticking with...

If that's what it means to love you
If that's what it means to have your back
If that what it takes to show you 
Then I'm in, I'm in

If I have to jump
Then I'll jump
And I wont look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull
Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be around

And if I have to jump
Then I'll jump
And I wont look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull
Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be around
I'm sticking with you
I'm sticking with you
I'm sticking with you

______________________________________________

So my friend KT fray said this song reminds her of me.  These are the lyrics.

Pinks new song

Sober- Pink (check out the video!! its hot)

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest

Or the girl who never wants to be alone

I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning

'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding

I stayed up again

Oohh, I am finding

That's not the way I want my story to end

[Sober Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]

I'm safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party's over?

No pain

Inside

You're my protection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...

The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth

Please don't tell me that we had that conversation

When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling

And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"

Aahh, I am falling

And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party's over?

No pain

Inside

You're like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down

Comin' down

Comin' down

Spinnin' round

Spinnin' round

Spinnin' round

Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down

Comin' down

Comin' down

Spinnin' round

Spinnin' round

Spinnin' round

Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad

Till you're trying to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry

Never again

Broken down in agony

And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party's over?

No pain

Inside

You're like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party's over?

No pain

Inside

You're like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

My favorite song to jam with in the car with my roomie

Cascada- Everytime We Touch

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.

I still feel your touch in my dreams.

Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why

Without you it's hard to survive.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.

And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.

Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.

Need you by my side.

'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.

And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.

Can't you hear my heart beat so...

I can't let you go.

Want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.

They wipe away tears that I cry.

The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.

You make me rise when I fall.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.

And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.

Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.

Need you by my side.

'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.

And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.

Can't you hear my heart beat so...

I can't let you go.

Want you in my life.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.

And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.

Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.

Need you by my side.

Piece of Me- Ashley Simpson

On a Monday, I am waiting

Tuesday, I am fading

And by Wednesday, I can't sleep

Then the phone rings, I hear you

And the darkness is a clear view

Cuz you've come to rescue me

Fall... With you, I fall so fast

I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts

[Chorus:]

Ohhhhh

It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real

I like the way that feels

Ohhhhh

It's as if you've known me better than I ever knew myself

I love how you can tell

All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

I am moody, messy

I get restless, and it's senseless

How you never seem to care

When I'm angry, you listen

When youre happy, it's a mission

And you wont stop 'til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast

Well, I hit that bottom

Crash, you're all I have

[Chorus:]

Ohhhhh

It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real

I like the way that feels

Ohhhhh

It's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself

I love how you can tell

All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

How do you know everything I'm about to say?

Am I that obvious?

And if it's written on my face...

I hope it never goes away... yeah

On a Monday, I am waiting

And by Tuesday, I am fading into your arms...

So I can breathe

[Chorus:]

Ohhhhh

It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real

I like the way that feels

Ohhhhh

It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself

I love how you can tell

Ohhhhh

I love how you can tell

Ohhhhh

I love how you can tell

All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...