Last night I was dancing and singing in my underwear (to Christina Aguilera's Beautiful) when a strong, deafening knock came to my door. I opened it to find two detectives and a cop standing there. My first thought was.... Krys you should put on pants. Hah. I asked them if I could put on pants before they came in. They said sure, so I threw on pants, took a deep breath and welcomed them in. I always swore that I would put others before myself, but I think I have been neglecting myself. Because last night was more than I could bare. I told the truth and for that I am sad. I could have given information that may hurt her later on. But I wasnt going to lie. I also gave them a friends number who saw her and I together on the 1st of November. I gave them the movie stub. I dont need it anymore, memory I dont want to have. Mistakes I am reminded of daily with the news of her walking into the court house. I break more every day. Only one person so far has been able to see the pain I hide behind my eyes. I am on the verge of crying again. I didnt want to hurt her. But I am not going to lie to the cops. Plus I wanted them out of my dorm as quickly as possible, people were walking by seeing them leave. I looked like a convict. I wanted them out I wanted to get it over it.

Being interrogated for an hour is not as much fun as someone would think.
They didnt even take me out of class.... James told me to start yelling "I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS AN INVASIVE SPECIES" hah wouldve been funny. Too bad my career wouldve been over. Too bad indeed.

I am trying to hold on but I have lost my will to fight. Seventh Day Slumber- Shattered Life.

Breaking Benjamin- You

My hands are broken,
And time is going on and on, it goes forever (how long).
So I got high and lived all that life that I've taken all for granted.

[Chorus:]
Promise me you'll try
To leave it all behind,
'cause I've elected hell,
Lying to myself.
Why have I gone blind?
Live another life.

You. You.

The only way out
Is letting your guard down and never die forgotten (I know).
Forgive me, my love,
I stand here all alone, and I can see the bottom.

[Chorus]

You. You.
You. You.
You. You.

I am terrified of the secret behind your eyes,
What did you really want to say.
Whatever you are, Whatever you dream,
Tell me what you want, dont hide it from me.

I can be there when you fall,
I can be the one you want.
Just give me a chance to give you peace
I want to be the one you wake next to after a deep sleep.

Fall into my arms, into my eyes.
I will hold you while you cry,
Dont worry angel, your secrets are mine.
After all is said and done, I will be by your side.

Sick Puppies- What Are You Looking For?

"What Are You Looking For?"

I walk the line of the disappointed
I celebrate when I'm in pain
My heart and mind can be disjointed
I built a bed in this hole I made
I recognize that I'm damaged
I sympathize that you are too
But I wanna breathe without feelin' so self-conscious
But it's hard when the world's starin' at you

Another piece of the puzzle, that doesn't fit
You throw your arms up, you're so damn sick of it
What are you working for
What are you searching for
Love
You won't be thinking of cars when
You're on your death bed and dyin'
You'll only be thinkin' of what you are paying for,
What you are praying for
Love

You join the line of the getting richer
You keep your pace but it's movin' slow
You are defined by all that you have hoarded
But you're surprised it doesn't fill up the hole.

Another piece of the puzzle, that doesn't fit
You throw your arms up, you're so damn sick of it
What are you coping for

What are you hoping for
Love
You won't be thinking of cars when
You're on your death bed and dyin'
You'll only be thinkin' of what you are paying for,
What you are praying for
Love

I'll never be what I see on the TV screen
I just keep dreaming of what I'm never gonna be
I can't think of a better way to waste my time then try

Another piece of the puzzle, that doesn't fit
You throw your arms up, you're so damn sick of it
What are you hurtin' for
What are you searching for
Love love love love
You won't be thinking of cars when
You're on your death bed and dyin'
You'll only be thinkin' of what you are paying for,
What you are praying for
Love love love love

You won't be thinkin' of cars when
You're on your death bed and dyin'
You'll only be thinkin' of what are you workin' for,
What are you waitin' for

Red- Already Over

"Already Over"

You never go
Your always here (suffocating me)
Under my skin
I cannot run away
Fading slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

My best defense, running from you
I can't resist, take all you want from me
Breaking slowly

I'd give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now!

You're all I'm reaching for
It's already over
All I'm reaching for!
It's already over now

I'd give it all to you
I offer up my soul
It's already over, already over now!

Give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again!
I know it's already over now!
It's already over now!
I know it's already over, already over

Disciple- Things Left Unsaid and Superchic(k)- Hero

"Things Left Unsaid"

It's just a matter of
time a few days ago
I saw you, you were fine
Remembering what you said
About the book you read
The one I got you
The Beginning of the End
Oh how we'd talk
For hours upon end
What I would give
Just to do it again
But you're lying there
In this hospital bed
Won't you open you eyes
And let's talk once again

[Chorus:]
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you
that I love you
I hope that you can hear me
I hope that you can feel me
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you
that I'm sorry
That I never told you
When we were face to face

Well I've been here all night
And I'm watching you
Breathe in and breathe out
Is it really you
Or just a machine
That's giving you life
And making it seem
That there could be hope
I could say to your face
If it were not for you
That there would be no grace
That has covered my life
You took the time
To speak into my mind
And my heart
Words of life

[Chorus]

So goodbye for now
And I'll see you again
Some way, somehow
When it's my turn
To go to the other side
I'll hold you again
And melt at your smile
Now all I have
Are the ones that I'm with
And you taught me not
To take for granted
The time that we have
To show that we care
Speak into their minds
And their hearts
While their here
And say I love you

If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you
that I love you
I hope that you can hear me
I hope that you can feel me
If you fly away tonight
I want to tell you
that I'm sorry
That I never told you
When we were face to face
_____________________________

"Hero"

No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him
Cause you want to belong, do you go along?
Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It's not like you hate him or want him to die
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
And a kindness from you might have saved his life

[Tag:]
Heroes are made when you make a choice

[Chorus:]
You could be a hero - heroes do what's right
You could be a hero - you might save a life
You could be a hero- you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her on life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice

[Tag]

[Chorus]

[Rap]
Little Mikey D. was the one in class who everyday got brutally harassed
This went on for years until he decided that never again would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door, grabbed a four-four out of his father's dresser drawer
And said I can't take life no more
And like that life can be lost
But this ain't even about that
All of us just sat back and watched it happen
Thinkin' it's not my responsibility to solve a problem that isn't even about me
This is our problem
This is just one of the daily scenarios which we choose to close our eyes
Instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, and rearranged
Now it's our time to pick a side
So don't keep walkin' by
Not wantin' to intervene
Cause you wanna exist and never be seen
So let's wake up and change the world
Our time is now

No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's the leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life

[Chorus:]
You could be a hero (Our time is now)
Heroes do what's right
You could be a hero (Our time is now)
You might save a life
You could be a hero, You could join the fight (Our time is now)
For what's right, for what's right

Come Down to Me- Saving Jane

Words fall out of my mouth
And I can’t seem to trace what I’m saying
Everybody wants your time
I’m just dreaming out loud,
I can’t have you for mine and I know it
I just wanna watch you shine.

Tripping up on my tongue,
It’s all over my face and I’m racing
Gotta get away from you
Burning all the way home,
Try to put it to bed but it chases
Every little thing I do

When the light falls on your face,
Don’t let it change you
When the stars get in your eyes,
Don’t let them blind you.

You’re beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line, and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be,
Come down to me.

Spell it out in a song,
Bet you never catch on to my weakness
I’m singing every word for you.
Here I’m thinking I’m sly
Then you’re catching my eye, and just maybe
You’re thinking what I’m thinking too

When you see it on my face,
Don’t let it shake you
I know better than to try and
Take you with me.


You’re beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line, and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be,
Come down to me. (x2)

__________________________________
More true than I would like it to be.
Because my eyes say it all.
You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
And I wish that I could make you see.

Emotionless

Hey dad
I'm writing to you
not to tell you, that I still hate you
just to ask you
how you feel
and how we fell apart
how this fell apart

are you happy out there in this great wide world?
do you think about your sons?
do you miss your little girl?
when you lay your head down
how do you sleep at night?
do you even wonder if we're all right?

but we're all right
we're all right

[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried
you broke my mother's heart
you broke your children for life
it's not ok,
but we're all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive

the days I spent so cold, so hungry
were full of hate
I was so angry
the scars run deep inside this tattooed body
there's things I'll take, to my grave
but I'm okay
I'm okay

[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried
you broke my mother's heart
you broke your children for life
it's not ok,
but we're all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive
yeah, I'm still alive

sometimes
I forgive
yeah and this time
I'll admit
that I miss you, said I miss you

[Chorus:]
it's been a long hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried
you broke my mother's heart
you broke your children for life
it's not ok,
but we're all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive

and sometimes
I forgive
and this time
I'll admit
that I miss you, I miss you
hey dad

"Whole"- Flaw

So maybe I am bound by fate
A problematic scarring induced by hate
It never seems to all pan out
Is that what all this teaching is needed to scout
You seemed to have a bad effect
Your rules and contradictions I would neglect
Though not my fault you made me feel
Like my own education wasn't truly real

[Chorus:]
Then you came right in tearing out my soul
How could all this loss be your only goal
I'm left standing here desperate in the cold
Since you took your life mine has not been whole

So there I stood a scolded child
The reasons never questioned
My pains been filed
Inside this place that makes me feel
I learned life is unfair and that is very real

[Chorus]

While you try to overcome the lesson
Making the most of those questions that just keeps me guessing
I'm looking longer, harder, further than I ever have
Solitude breaking me down you always seemed glad
To put me down and stick me in that little pit
Personal growth as a child that mattered not a bit
Then I became the person that you hated most
Disrespecting the father, son, and holy ghost
A small example of what the things you've done to me
Have changed in my life and changed the things that I can't be

I'll never be!!

Skillet- Whispers in the Dark

"Whispers In The Dark"

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

[Chorus:]
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear my whispers in the dark

You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay here broken and naked
My love is
Just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is
A burning, consuming fire

Heartbreaker- Pink

I keep thinkin' bout that little sparkle in your eye
Is it a light from the angels, or your devil deep inside?
What about the way you say you love me all the time
Are you liftin' me up to heaven, just to drop me down the line?

There's a ring around my finger,
But will you change your mind?
And you tell me that I'm beautiful,
But that could be a lie

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride
What if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker?
And everything is just a lie
I won't be leavin' here alive
I won't be leavin' here alive, no

Temporary happiness is like waiting for the knife
Cause I'm always watchin' for someone to show their darker side
So maybe I'll sit back and just enjoy all this for now
Watch it all play out, see if you really stick around

But there's always this one question
That keeps me up at night
Are you my greatest love
Or disappointment in my life?

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride
What if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker?
And everything is just a lie
I won't be leavin' here alive
I might as well lay down and die

I'm holding on with both hands and both feet, oh
Promise that you won't pull the rug out from under me

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride
I pray to god you're not a heartbreaker
This time around I won't survive
Cause if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker
And everything is just a lie
I won't be leavin' here alive
I might as well lay down and die, oh
I won't be leavin' here alive

___________________________
This song always puts me back into the right mind set when my head gets out of control. I need this as a reminder. My favorite line I think is: And you tell me that I'm beautiful,
But that could be a lie....

She has another song that I love very much. Its called Love Song. And I plan on getting a tattoo of some song lyrics from that song on me, written in german I think.

"I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars."
In german it is sort of translated as:
Eher würde ich aus Schnitten aus Liebe bluten, als ohne Narben zu leben

But I think it is more powerful in English because the german translation is not literal.

I have so many scrambled thoughts inside of me.
I feel as though I dont have a specific direction.
Everything is spinning so fast, like a tiltawhirl. You can make out colors and some shapes but you only see blurs of them. You cant pick out faces. You cant find names. Its just one big blur. Meh. I should keep doing my homework. Writing what I feel really isnt that important in the skeme of things.

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

Roy Croft

I love this quote. The end

Feels like i have been pushed down and pulled back up again.
Another road to silence that I can not win.
Back up and hit the ground running.

I always manage to take control of a situation that I never wanted.
Being pushed harder than I ever thought possible.
I dont know how to win this war of mine.

Bass chord in my heart when you speak or smile.
Your touch sends shivers down my spine.
Working late and youre all I think about.
Restlessness will soon find my head on the pillow.
Can't seem to stay focused for more than an hour.
I am not sure what I am saying.
Suppose I am just trying to figure out what I am feeling and thinking.
I dont even know.
Funny how that is.

Just So You Know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop



___________
Good song

random bundled up bullshit

Slowly slipping.
I told my counselor I had an anger problem.
Its true.
Sometimes I just break, and everything I have never wanted to tell someone will slip out.

I didnt mean to push you away.. atleast not that far away.

Its the eye of the tiger, its the thrill of the fight.

I dont know what I am doing here at Umaine and that scares me.

I am terrified about how I feel about you.

I just got a 60 on my ochem quiz.
Fuck my life.

I will try harder next time. One thing that pisses me off... 2,3-bromohexene shouldve been 2,3-dibromohexene. I didn't get partial credit. My roomate is talking really loud and I am losing focus on my shitty writing.

Short story from friday:
I was walking to the Counseling Center having a cig, thinking about what I could talk about today, my main thought: I have a lab report due in 8 hrs that I havent started. My depression has come in full swing again.
I saw Madye walking. She stopped to hug me. She thanked me for moving my cig out of range when she did hug me. I only replied with a "You're Welcome."

What I really wanted to say:
Thank you for being able to brighten a room by walking into it. Thank you for hugging me when I felt most vulnerable, even though I am not the most personable individual you know.Thank you for being my friend. I really wish I could be more like you. Happy about life, happy with my major, easily made happy. When I walk into a room, people don't smile like when they see you. I wish I could make them do that. I wish I was happier, more calm, and a little less anxious would be nice too. My energy always seems to be so uptight and unhappy. I wish I could be more like you.

Now I wish I would've told her that.

I feel horrible.  I have never fired anyone.  I am not personally doing it, mainly because the person being removed from office doesn't like me.  I feel like his failure as an officer is a result of my failure as a leader.  I feel like the worst person in the world because maybe I didn't give him enough chances.  I figured 3 months would be plenty of time to get into the swing of things, understanding responsibilities and leadership roles.  I guess not.  Maybe its just because he is a first year and hasn't exactly found his place at the University yet.  Whichever the case may be, the group has decided to remove him from office.

I want to go home. =(

I miss my dad.  However much of a pain he is when I am home.

I miss my late night talks with my aunt, and avoiding the topic of my gayness.

I miss my AA friends.

I miss my job, my dogs, my cat.

I want to go home.

Shed Some Light- Shinedown

I'm falling apart again
And I can't find a way to make amends
And I'm looking in both directions
But it's make believe, it's all pretend

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

It's innocence within the maze
But I have chosen the wrong way
I'm still getting over who I was
There's no sense of trust, there's no definition of love

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

I know now, it's not who you are
It's who you know
And I see clearly now, which way to go
I remember the way I fell from above
And I recall the way I was

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in
Shed some ling on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll...
Tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll believe
Something I'll believe

I can feel myself slipping.  My mood is changing as I write.  I feel the burning anger inside of me, I feel like I could scream in her face.  Being second guessed by my boss, advisor, and "friend" is more aggravating than I can express with words.  I am not incompetent of making executive decisions.  I am doing what I think is a good idea.  I am so sick of being down played as a lower student or person.  I may just go in and start yelling.  I will not be second guessed.  I will not be lowered.  Yes, she has been here longer.   If she wants to advise me... then advise it... do not tell me what I should and should not do.  Don't ask if I have been to meetings, because I have been to the meetings I am told to go to.  I go to meetings that I am not suppose to go to.  I am one person.  Dont tread on me.  If I am cornered I will lash out.  I hope she realizes that before she says something she will later regret.

Imagine Me and You- the Turtles

Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

So happy together
How is the weather
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together
Happy together
So happy together
So happy together (ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba)

____________

I love this song. More than anything.   I hope to have this.  I hope.  I hope.  I hope.  I hope to love someone as much as they me.  I hope.

Scattered thoughts and delusions about what this life is suppose to be has left me speechless beyond my normal recognition.  Its true that I dont try as hard as I could.  It seems like so much effort just to get an A on a report or quiz.  With all the money that goes into a piece of paper that says I am qualified to handle an animal is rather ridiculous.  I am somewhat fed up with all the effort one must put it.  And I know I could never make it onto the deans list.  I have tried really hard but never actually made it.  I wish I could.  That would make me very happy.

As it turns out, the class I thought would be the easiest, has become the hardest.  Who would've thought that ceramics required so much structural and intellectual discipline.  Rather disappointing indeed.