Second rant of the evening.

Jen has been lieing to my face for months now.  I have had it.  She tells me that A.) she doesnt want anything to do with her ex wife and B.) she hasnt had sex for months (which i really could careless about, her getting some and all) Then I find out tonight, she is still dating her ex wife and sleeping with her.  This is making me question what kind of friend she really is.  She tells me EVERYDAY, that I know her best, that I know her true feelings, yet I can't catch her lieing to my face.  I guess I really dont have a clue who she is.

Okay, so this is my rant:

Don't fucking lie to my face because I will find out and no one wants me as their enemy.  I have ears every where and people in odd places who will tell me the truth.  I am not someone anyone wants to make angry.  I am a bull in a china shop, a rabid german shepherd, a feral cat.  Don't fuck with me.  Just don't do it.

I plan on calling her out on the lies after her ex wife and i sit down together tomorrow and have a decent, adult conversation.  Something which I have wanted to do for a long time.  I am almost 21 and fighting with people seems so pointless now.  I am tired of fighting.  I fight with myself so much that anything else is above and beyond my energy level.  I am wiped out from just this evening learning of the lies.  My body doesnt know how to react nor does my brain know how to think.  I am sick of fake friends.  My aunt was right, Jen hasnt grown up.  And it is my mistake for thinking she has.

Staind- Its Been A While

It's been a while 
Since I could hold my head up high 
And it's been a while 
Since I first saw you 
It's been a while 
Since I could stand on my own two feet again 
And it's been a while 
Since I could call you 
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem 
The consequences that I've rendered 
I've stretched myself beyond my means 

It's been a while 
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted and 
It's been a while 
Since I could say I love myself as well and 
It's been a while 
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do 
It's been a while 
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you 
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem 
The consequences that I've rendered 
I've gone and fucked things up again 

Why must I feel this way? 
Just make this go away 
Just one more peaceful day 

Its been awhile 
Since I could look at myself straight 
And it's been awhile 
Since I said I'm sorry 
It's been awhile 
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face 
It's been awhile 
But I can still remember just the way you taste 
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem 
I know it's me i cannot blame this on my father 
He did the best he could for me 

It's been a while 
Since I could hold my head up high 
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry 

Heavily Broken-The Veronicas

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken 

Swingin' start here.

"Take off your hat."

"What? Why? You hate when I cut my hair."

"I want to see just how short it is this time."

"I have been doing it for the past 5 years, arent you used to it by now?"

"How can ANYONE be used to a girl looking like THAT."

"I am used to it."

"Then that is ALL that matters I guess."

Sometimes screaming is all I can do.  In my head of course.  Just so sick of never being accepted.  All I can do is stand my ground even if it means being looked down upon.

"When did you get that new hole in your head"

"Um, I have had it for a while."

"Well it just surprises me just how you continue to disrespect me."

"I dont feel it is about disrespecting you."

"I only asked that you not do anymore until you are out of my house."

"It is my body, I feel I should do what I want with it."

"But this is my house."

"That it is."

I dont know how to feel anymore.  I used to be proud of myself.  Used to be proud of my strong moral foundation, that everyone, deep down can be a good person and is when they chose to be.  But I keep looking back and seeing the things she says to me.

"You're hair is too short."

"Why do you wear mens clothes, do you want to be a man?"

"You've gained weight."

"If I ever see you kiss a girl, I will stop in my tracks and puke."

The last statement has scarred me more than words can possibly describe.

"Well then I guess I wont be inviting you to my wedding, since you cant bare to see me happy."

"I just can't bare to see you with a woman."

Would it kill her just to see that I am happy being with a woman?  No, infact it will not.  It will not strike her dead on the spot.  It could make her stomach turn, but don't fucking say it to me.  I have enough to worry about than her opinions of how ugly I am, or how fat I am.  Or how I am indeed a lesbian, something I can not control.

"I pray everyday, that I will wake up and be straight just for you.  Its true."

I would give so much just to make her proud of me for ONE DAY!!!!!!! THATS ALL I WANT... ONE DAY TO MAKE HER HAPPY THAT SHE CHOSE TO TAKE ME IN... I have only been a burden for the past 7 and 1/2 years.  A burden that needs to be squashed, like a bug on the windshield. Or dog shit that you hose off in the front yard, water on full blast, to make sure you get it out of the creases.  Nothing but scum and shit in her eyes.  I want it to be different.

Even if just for a day.

Incidentally, Don't ever get raped by a domesticated cat Dr. Chan.  They have barbed penis' to ravage the vagina on the way out to stop the female from mating again.

Shit, glad I'm not a cat.  Hell I would probably be a gay cat anyway which would suck even more.

I have no idea why I am typing this.  Random thoughts flowing now.

"Gotta check into rehab cuz baby you're my disease"- Song playing Rehab by Rihanna

"You got me thinking, your the reason I don't wanna smoke on this cigarette no more"

Thinking about sunsets and soft sand between my fingers.

Warm water rushing over my toes, laying in her arms.

Feeling the warmth of the sun as it falls silently into the horizon.

You can only hear our breaths, and the waves crashing around us.

Perhaps a bird in the distance, fluttering of wings.

"In the arms of an angel, fly away from here."- Sarah McLaughin Angel

I just want, a piece of mind.

Laying in bed, thinking, dreaming, wishing. Soft music and the sound of the keys as I press into them.  click click click, backspace 4X.  Sweet madness. Glorious sadness brings these thoughts to me. From this dark cold hotel room and this endlessness that you fear.

I am trying to look past the wreckage.  I wanna find the comfort in the arms of an angel.

I think I am ranting. *sigh* feels like a waste of time.

I wish the swings would stop.  Hopelessly happy one minute, then a trigger and I am off, flying and falling into more endless thoughts.

"I will remember you, will you remember me?"

Something I ask myself daily.  Am I worth remembering?  What will people say at my funeral?  What will their memories say about me.

"She was moody, she was angry alot, but overall a good hearted person."

I wish the first two parts weren't so, but I don't think I have much to defend in that.  I am moody and if any mood overrides another, it would be my anger.  Resentments are my downfall.  Takes me forever and a day to forgive and forget.  Pain overrides the sadness and anger sets in.  I am not one to hate, but I am one to keep a grudge.  I wish I could let go and move on.  Move on and let go.  I would just like to take a breath and feel better.  I would take so many breaths but that would be it.  There wouldn't be consistent thoughts of revenge, which I will never partake in, but the thoughts are enough.

I just want to let go.  And move on.

I will remember you, will you remember me?  Do you remember me?  Do you want to remember me?  I just want these thoughts to stop.

Jamey Johnson- In Color

I said, Grandpa what’s this picture here 
It’s all black and white and ain’t real clear
Is that you there, he said, yeah I was eleven
Times were tough back in thirty-five
That’s me and Uncle Joe just tryin’ to survive
A cotton farm in the Great Depression

And if it looks like we were scared to death
Like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should have seen it in color

This one here was taken overseas
In the middle of hell in nineteen forty-three
In the winter time you can almost see my breath
That was my tail gunner ole’ Johnny McGee
He was a high school teacher from New Orleans
And he had my back right through the day we left

And if it looks like we were scared to death
Like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should have seen it in color

A picture’s worth a thousand words 
But you can’t see what those shades of gray keep covered
You should have seen it in color

This one is my favorite one
It’s me and grandma in the summer sun
All dressed up the day we said our vows
You can’t tell it here but it was hot that June
That rose was red and her eyes were blue
And just look at that smile I was so proud

That’s the story of my life
Right there in black and white

And if it looks like we were scared to death
Like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should have seen it in color

A picture’s worth a thousand words 
But you can’t see what those shades of gray keep covered
You should have seen it in color

You should have seen it in color

Great song

Billy Currington - Don't

Dont you hate hearing that clock on the wall chimming saying its time and 
Dont you just wish we could stay right here together all day long
You know it wouldnt be a crime if we crawled back into bed got as close as we could get
Tried to figure out where this thing is going

Baby, baby, dont, dont you say youre leaving
Why dont you stay a little bit longer
Got it going on and I just cant believe it 
This feeling it just keeps getting stronger

If you gotta go you gotta know I might go crazy
Here without you baby
Reliving every kiss, you aint leaving me like this
It just aint right and wait until tonight to light another flame
You know it wouldnt be the same as the fire we got burning this morning

Baby, baby, dont, dont you say youre leaving
Why dont you stay a little bit longer
Got it going on and I just cant believe it 
This feeling it just keeps getting stronger

No, Noone else can love me like you do
You know I aint even close to thru
Loving you...

Baby, baby, dont, dont you say youre leaving
Why dont you stay a little bit longer
Got it going on and I just cant believe it 
This feeling it just keeps getting stronger

My Christmas:

Alarm clock screeching at 5am to remind me that indeed it is Christmas and I had to be to work by 7am.  Got up, ate something (banana, which I hate but thats what we had) and took a cinnamon bun in a paper bag and a two liter of diet coke with me.

I drove to the skate park/beach and watched the sun rise (I realized I didnt have quite the view I needed from the skate park).  I wished my mom, my grandparents, my uncles and my moms friend Nina, all have which passed, a Merry Christmas.  But I felt at ease with it all at that moment this morning.  The sun hit my face, a few gusts of wind later and I was back in the car and off to work.

My puppies at work greeted me with much enthusiasm and it made going in all the better.  I was a little sad but throwing a few balls soon made those feelings dissipate.  My boss only checked in on me three times as opposed to his usual five or six.  Easy dogs easy day.  I strategically assigned groups for my puppies and had them all out and fed by 715.  We played for an hour outside then I put them inside.  And designated yet again more groups.  I looked at my clock too often however and the morning dragged on.  So I put on some music and cleaned and the next I knew it was noon and my shift was over.  I hugged my favorite dog Hannabelle and drove home.

I got home, was met by a somewhat angry aunt (ANT *lol*) and decided it would be best if I steered clear.  I finished making my dads Xmas gift, wrapped it and stuck it in the family room.  Then I crawled into bed.  Looked at my computer monitor and smiled.  Then my dad walked in and I realized I had fallen asleep (my bad).... my aunt and uncle had left for Mass to see the rest of my family (YIPPY) and it was time for AA.

A man who shall not be named, came and picked us up and we drove to Kittery for two hours of AA.  Then we headed to Hampton and set up our Christmas Evening Help Yourself Meeting.  It was good to see everyone and I spoke at the meeting (I usually don't speak at meetings but for some reason I had a burning urge to all week so I did).  I talked about how both my father and I avoid Xmas like the plague (hence me working and then avoiding seeing the rest of my family by going to AA).  I also mentioned that when I arrived home last friday that my dad asked if I wanted to go to the meeting that night.  I really like the friday night meetings so of course I agreed and we walked down (in 8 inches of snowy shit) and set it up.  On the way down he asked me what I wanted for Christmas because my aunt and him were going shopping Sat night.  I thought about it long and hard but came to the realization that I have exactly what I wanted.  He was sober for another Christmas.  I was blessed with having him in my life for the second Christmas in a row and he wasn't drinking to dull the pain.  What more could a kid ask for.  I prayed and begged "God" to help him for 6 years.  6 years of disappointments and being depressed.  I felt like I lost both parents that day in May.  However, my father surprised me and got sober last year and has stuck it out so far.  I have exactly what I want.   I am not alone.  And I still have one parent left which is all I need today (I may have disagreed 5 years ago but I accept the changes and I am grateful for what I have).  My sober dad is all I need today.

AA ended and we got a ride home.  We will be celebrating Xmas in an hour... 11:30pm or tomorrow morning.  Whatever happens I am still happy that I have him and he isn't lying next to her in the dirt.

Merry Christmas.  Happy Chanukah.

I am grateful for a roof over my head and food in my stomach.  I am grateful for the amazing friends I have gained over the past 7 years.  I am grateful for still having friends from my childhood.  I am grateful for being brought up in a strict household and given guidance when I truely needed it.  I am grateful for having my aunt and father love me.  I am grateful for my uncle swallowing his pride and allowing me to stay under his house for the past 7 years.  I am grateful for my father being sober for over 14 months. I am grateful for having an amazing woman in my life who has the ability to make me smile with a telephone call or a simple smile and hello.  I am grateful to be alive and healthy.  I am grateful...

I am grateful.

Savage Garden- I Want You

Anytime I need to see your face
I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place where your crystal mind and
Magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chicka cherry cola

I don't need to try to explain;
I just hold on tight
And If it happens again, I might move so slightly
To the arms and the lips and the face of the human cannonball
That I need to, I want to

Come Stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you
When I get to you

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I'd die to find out

I'm the kind of person who endorses a deep commitment
Getting comfy getting perfect is what I live for
But a look, and then a smell of perfume
It's like I'm down on the floor
And I Don't know what I'm in for

Conversation has a time and place
In the interaction of a lover and a mate,
But the time of talking, using symbols, using words
Can be likened to a deep sea diver who is swimming with a raincoat

Come stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you
When I get to you

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I'd die to find out

Oooooh yeah, oooh yeah

Anytime I need to see your face
I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place where your crystal mind and
Magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chicka cherry cola

I don't need to try to explain;
I just hold on tight
And If it happens again, I might move so slightly
To the arms and the lips and the face of the human cannonball
That I need to, I want you

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I'd die to find out

So can we find out?

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I'd die to find out

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out (I'd die to find out)
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you (ooh can we find out)
But, ooh I'd die to find out

Sara McLaughlin-Angel

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For the break that will make it okay
There´s always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it´s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I´ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, 
And the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You´re in the arms of the angel; 
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, 
And everywhere you turn
There´s vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, 
You keep on building the lies
That make up for all that you lack
It don´t make no difference, 
Escaping one last time
It´s easier to believe
In this sweet madness, 
Oh, this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, 
And the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You´re in the arms of the angel; 
May you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel; 
May you find
Some comfort here

______________________

I can't explain what that song did to me on the day my mom died.  It felt like i could feel her heart stop along with my own.  I still haven't regained strength since she left.  I have always felt weaker since then.  I just hope she is indeed in the arms of an angel, so she can finally be at peace with herself.

I remember exactly where i was when I first read suicide on her death certificate.  My father told me she died of a heart attack.  I believed it.  She smoked.  She drank.  She was over weight.  Seemed like a possibility.  But why were the counselors at school asking me if I knew how my mother died.  "Yes, she died of a heart attack," I said back.  Of course I was sad.... but they knew damn well the worst hasn't even hit me yet. They put me on watch.  I was pulled into the office every week, constantly asked how I was doing.  It wasn't until I was visiting my aunt Joyce in Lynn and I told her that I was sad that my mom died from a heart attack, why couldnt she just take care of herself.... I said.  "Is that what they are telling you Krystal?  That your mother died from a heart attack?  She didn't die that way."  "How then?  My dad wouldn't lie to me!"  "Here I will prove to you that he is lying."  She went to her drawer and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me.  I read the cause of death and felt myself break inside.  "See, I told you," my aunt replied.  I still dislike this aunt.

Those pieces still have not healed. I think I am more angry that my father expected me to be okay when I learned about it.  It was like her dying all over again.  I asked my cousin LauraLee who i was very close to all my life why she would lie to me and keep that secret.  "I still don't believe she did that.  She wouldn't leave you kids on purpose.  You were her whole soul.   Her whole heart.  I believe it was an accident.  Plus, your father asked us to keep it from you.  So I did."

Was I her heart and soul that she talked about to all the customers at her work?  Yeah she talked about me.  But if i was worth it, then she would still be here with me, wouldn't she?  Wouldn't her two precious kids be worth staying alive for? Her Jimmy and her Rosie Girl?  Wouldn't that be enough?  I have little confidence in myself because of that reason.  I want to be worth love.  I want to be worth her own MOTHERS love.  I want to be worth her mother staying alive for.  I never thought being loved was so much to ask for.  Now I know the truth.  So when I put myself down, its not for attention or to be told differently.  Its because I truely believe that if i was worth it, my mother would still be alive.

_______

Dixie Chicks- Not Ready to Make Nice

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I have been searching for the answer to Why People Hiccup.

This is what I found:

No one really knows shit about the human body.

There simple answer was: "Usually something has triggered involuntary contractions in the diaphragm." 

Well no shit sherlock.  I think we all know WHAT is going on.... but i asked a simple question.... WHY....

The other answer I got was: "It could occur from swallowing oxygen incorrectly and causing the diaphragm to have spasms."

Spasms my ass.  Its feels like an alien trying to disembody me from the inside.

Well.  Thank you.  Incredibly intelligent doctor.  Remind me again why I pay you to answer my health questions?

Zihuatanejo- They say it has no memory. And thats where I want to spend the rest of my life. In a warm place that has no memory.

Your Guardian Angel-Redjumpsuit Aparatus

When I see your smile, 
Tears roll down my face.
I can't replace.
And now that I'm strong, I have figured out, 
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul.
And I know I'll find deep inside me, 
I can be the one.

I will never let you fall. (let you fall.)
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all. (through it all.)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.

It's okay, 
It's okay, 
It's okay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

Seasons are changing, 
And waves are crashing, 
And stars are falling all for us.
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter, 
I can show you I'll be the one. 

I will never let you fall. (let you fall.)
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all. (through it all.)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.

'Cause you're my, you're my, my-e-y-e-y, 
My true love, my whole heart.
Please don't throw that away.
'Cause I'm here... for you! 
Please don't walk away and, 
Please tell me you'll stay! 

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! 
Stay! 
Whoa-oh! 

Use me as you will! 
Pull my strings just for a thrill! 
And I know I'll be okay, 
Though my skies are turning grey! (grey! grey! ) 

I will never let you fall! 
I'll stand up with you forever! 
I'll be there for you through it all, 
Even if saving you sends me to heaven! 

I will never let you fall! 
I'll stand up with you forever! 
I'll be there for you through it all, 
Even if saving you sends me to heaven!

The Body- Stephen King

"Even if I'd known the right thing to say, I probably couldn't have said it.  Speech destroys the functions of love, I think--that's a hell of a thing to say for a writer to say, I guess but I believe it to be true.  If you speak to tell a deer you mean it no harm, it glides away with a single flip of its tail. The word is the harm.  Love isn't what these asshole poets like McKuen want you think it is.  Love has teeth; they bite; the wounds never close.  No word, no combination of words, can close those lovebites.  It's the other way around, that's the joke.  If those wounds dry up, the words die with them."-Gordie Lachance

Good Quote from The Body by Stephen King

"The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the good things in your life."

Rascal Flatts

My Wish lyrics

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

Aly and Aj- Chemicals React

You make me feel out of my element
Like I'm walkin' on broken glass
Like my worlds spinnin' in slow motion
And you're movin' too fast

[Chorus]
Were you right, was I wrong
Were you weak, was I strong, yeah
Both of us broken
Caught in a moment
We lived and we loved
And we hurt and we jumped, yeah
But the planets all aligned
When you looked into my eyes
And just like that
The chemicals react
The chemicals react

You make me feel out of my element
Like I'm drifting out to the sea
Like the tides pullin' me in deeper
Makin' it harder to breathe

We cannot deny, how we feel inside
We cannot deny

[Chorus]
Were you right, was I wrong
Were you weak, was I strong, yeah
Both of us broken
Caught in a moment
We lived and we loved
And we hurt and we jumped, yeah
But the planets all aligned
When you looked into my eyes
And just like that
The chemicals react
The chemicals react

Kaleidoscope of colors
Turning hopes on fire, sun is burning
Shining down on both of us
Don’t let us lose it (don’t let us lose it...)

[Chorus]
Were you right, was I wrong
Were you weak, was I strong, yeah
Both of us broken
Caught in a moment
We lived and we loved
And we hurt and we jumped, yeah

We lived
We loved
We hurt
we jumped
We're right
We're wrong
We're weak
We're strong
We lived to love

But the planets all aligned
When you looked into my eyes
And just like that
Watch the chemicals react
And just like that
The chemicals react
(The chemicals react)

Two skies, one on top of the other.  The purple seems to bring out the perfection of this lake.  I want to go there.

I am watching Forrest Gump in class.  Its the part where Jenny dies and Forrest is talking to her grave.  He put the letter that his son wrote to her.  It has mom on the envelope.  I couldnt tell you how many times I have written to my mother.  She has not written me back yet. I suppose it is just a childs fantasy to expect never to be left alone by ones parent.  I hope someday I will understand what it means to never be left alone.  To have someone think you are the most precious gift in the world.  Maybe then I will see that I am a person worth keeping...

Saving Jane-Come Down To Me

Words fall out of my mouth
And I can’t seem to trace what I’m saying
Everybody wants your time
I’m just dreaming out loud,
I can’t have you for mine and I know it
I just wanna watch you shine.

Tripping up on my tongue,
It’s all over my face and I’m racing
Gotta get away from you
Burning all the way home,
Try to put it to bed but it chases
Every little thing I do

When the light falls on your face,
Don’t let it change you
When the stars get in your eyes,
Don’t let them blind you.

You’re beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line, and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be,
Come down to me.

Spell it out in a song,
Bet you never catch on to my weakness
I’m singing every word for you.
Here I’m thinking I’m sly
Then you’re catching my eye, and just maybe 
You’re thinking what I’m thinking too

When you see it on my face, 
Don’t let it shake you
I know better than to try and 
Take you with me.


You’re beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line, and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be,
Come down to me. (x2)

A good quote from Forrest Gump

“When I think back on it now, there is something in your eyes, some tiny flash of fire that comes now and then, mostly when you smile, and, on those infrequent occasions, I believe what I saw was almost a Genesis of our ability as humans to think, to create, to be.” -Lieutenant Dan in a note to Forrest Gump.

If you haven't read the book yet, I suggest you do so.  They book is polar opposite of the movie, every character has a different role, even Forrest and Jenny.  It is a pretty quick read once you get over the grammer barrier which had me stumped for the first ten pages, but you get used to it.

Over all good book so far.  Will write more quotes that I find worth writing down.

John Mayer- Your Body Is A Wonderland

We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

And if you want love
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be awhile

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

You want love?
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be awhile

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland

Damn baby
You frustrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder(I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland


Da da dup ba da da da
Ba ba dup ba la la la
Ba ba dup ba ba da da
Ba ba dup ba da da da
Ba ba dup ba ba da da
Ba ba dup ba da da da
Ba ba dup ba ba da da
Ba ba dup ba da da da

Miss your face xxx

Lolipop-Lil Wayne

[Intro: Lil Wayne]
Ow... 
Uh Huh No Oh no... 
Young Mula Baby
I say he so sweet
Make her wanna lick the wrapper
So I let her lick the wrapper

[Bridge: Static Major + (Lil Wayne)]
She she lick me
Like a lollipop (Yeah)
She she lick me
Like a lollipop (Yeah)
She she lick
Like a lollipop (Yeah)
She she lick
Me Like a lollipop

[Chorus: Static Major + Lil Wayne (x2)]
Shawty wanna thug
Bottles in the club
Shawty wanna hump
You know I like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

[Verse 1: Lil Wayne]
Come On Yeah Okay
Lil mama had a swag like mine
She even wear her hair
Down her back like mine
I make her feel right
When it's wrong like lyin'
Man she ain't never
Had a love like mine
But Man I ain't never
Seen an ass like hers
That pussy in my mouth
Had me loss for words
Told her to back it up
Like berp berp
And I made that ass jump
Like jerp jerp
And that's when she

[Bridge: Static Major + (Lil Wayne)]
She lick me
Like a lollipop (Oh yeah I like that)
She lick me
Like a lollipop (I like that)
She lick me
Like a lollipop (I like that)
She lick me
Like a lollipop

[Chorus]

[Chorus: Static Major + (Lil Wayne)]
Shawty wanna thug (oh yeah I like that)
Bottles in the club (oh yeah I like that)
Shawty wanna hump
You know I like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

[Verse 2: Lil Wayne]
Ooooooooo
Okay
After you back it up
Then stop
Drop It shawty
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
Do do do it shawty
Don't stop
Shawty said the nigga
That she with ain't shit
Shawty said the nigga
That she with ain't this
Shawty said the nigga
That she with can't hit
But shawty I'm ma hit it, hit it, 
Like I can't miss
And He can't do this
And He don't do that
Shawty need a refund
Need a bring that nigga back
Just like a refund
I make her bring that ass back
And she bring that ass back
Because I Like That

[Chorus: Static Major + (Lil Wayne)]
Shawty wanna thug (yeah I like that)
Bottles in the club (yeah I like that)
Shawty wanna hump
You know I like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

[Bridge: Static Major + (Lil Wayne)]
Shawty wanna lick-lick-lick-lick me
Like a lollipop
Shawty wanna lick-lick-lick-lick me
Like a lollipop
Shawty wanna lick me
Like a lollipop
She lick me
Like a lollipop
(I Let her lick the wrapper)

[Chorus: Lil Wayne]
Shawty wanna thug
Bottles in the club
Shawty wanna hump
You know I like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps
Stat

[Break: Static Major (x4)]
Call me so I can
Make it juicy for you
Call me so I can
Get it juicy for you

[Chorus: Static Major + Lil Wayne (2x)]
Shawty wanna thug
Bottles in the club
Shawty wanna hump
You know I'd like to touch
Ya lovely lady lumps

Broken- Seether ft Amy Lee

I wanted you to know 

That I love the way you laugh 

I wanna hold you high 

And steal your pain 

Away 

I'd keep your photograph 

Cause I know it serves me well 

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain 

Because I'm broken 

When I'm lonesome 

And I don't feel right 

When you're gone away 

You've gone away 

You dont feel me here 

Anymore 

The worst is over now 

And we can breathe again 

I wanna hold you high 

And steal my pain 

Away 

There's so much left to learn 

And noone left to fight 

I wanna hold you high 

And steal your pain 

Because I'm broken 

When I'm open 

And I don't feel like 

I am strong enough 

Cause I'm broken 

When I'm lonesome 

And I don't feel right 

When your gone away 

Because I'm broken 

When I'm open 

And I don't feel like 

I am strong enough 

Because I'm broken 

When I'm lonesome 

And I don't feel right 

when your gone away 

You've gone away 

You don't feel me here 

Anymore

I told you I would send you the lyrics.... well here they are.   I hope you understand a little more now.  Miss your face.

You're lips are tempting.  You're smile inviting.  The cards are stacked up against me.  Too scared to make the first move, but would certainly consider the second.  With every touch, I feel a quiver.  The tension is incredible.  Not even a sledgehammer could break it.  There is nothing more I enjoy than being in your eyes or waking up next to you.  It is the best feeling in the world.  I just wish I knew what was going on through your head when you send me that smile, pull me closer to you or nuzzle against my neck.  Just thinking about it sends shivers down my spine.  And my only thought now is when I will get to feel it all again.

I don't live with regrets.

Only experiences that make me stronger.

Thick skin.  More to love.

Trying to show that I am worth the risk.

But I can't help but not believe it myself.

Seems easier said then done.

Story of my life.

One step forward and three steps back.

I don't seem to be getting anywhere except where i have already been before.

Back to the blue prints.

New plan ahead.

MY WORLD-Sick Puppies

I'm not comin' back
I'm not gonna react
I'm not doin' shit for you.
I'm not sittin' around while you are tearin' it down around us.
I'm not livin' a lie while you swim in denial
'Cause you're already dead and gone
You leave me out on the curb just like everyone else before you.

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
Another lesson burned
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

I don't care what you think I'm not seeing a shrink.
I'm not doing this again.
I'm not another student or a mother to take your shit out on
So let's see what you got, let's see what you're not
And what ever else you pretend
You've defended my intentions long enough

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.

Another lesson burned
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

So here I am again.
In the middle of the end.
And the choice I wish I made
I always make too late

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
Another lesson burned
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world.

My world
My world (welcome to my world)
My world
My world (welcome to my world)
My world
Welcome baby.

I think this explains me the best.  Insecurity, self loathing, every inch of my fiber hates the rest.  Pathetic I know, but I don't know what else to do to even slightly enjoy my own company.  Alone.  Another lesson burned.  And I am drowning in the ashes.  I will just fake the smile when i look in the mirror, that seems to be working well.

I disagree when someone says, "You can't love someone entirely without loving yourself."  When I care about someone, my whole body feels it.  I move differently, my smile is pure and if anyone has ever seen my eyes, they say it all.  I can love without loving myself.  Maybe I will grow stronger and begin to like me, but until that day, people have to learn that I am me.  Whether they like it or not.

Welcome.

To.

My.

World.

My current situation

So I bought a new computer, Macbook.  It is wonderful.  I have never owned anything so expensive in my life and to hold something that I mostly bought, my aunt helped me pay for taxes on it and such, is really important to me.  When buying it this morning I was nauseous.  I was terrified to spend that much money.  But I did it.... surprisingly.  I can only imagine what I will be like when I buy my first car, or move into my first apartment..... my first house... oh poo I have a lot to learn.

I am chilling at my friends apartment, typing away.  She is really great.   Perfect smile.  Really soft skin, and a heart made of pure gold. *sigh*  I only wish she knew that.  Maybe I can show her.  We shall see. 

I feel like school is going okay.  I have three things due this week, none of which i have done, but I know i will get them all done.  I like to procrastinate because my work is always ten time better when I am rushed (besides the spelling) but I seem to get A's when I rush and D's when I take my time and work really hard on it.  I think I am broken.  Hah.   I dont know why I write on this blog, no one reads what I write anyway.   I think I just like getting things out.

Most people don't understand me, or what makes me tick.  I honestly don't have a clue most of the time.  I just go.  Don't think, don't trust, just do it.  I like it this way..... for now.

Crossfade-Cold

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win

You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high

I never meant to be so cold
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

She speaks

She just wants one girl to think she is worth it all. Worth the risk. Worth the love. She is not just some unstable-moodswinging-hypersensitive freak. She gives so much love and so much hope.. and every time the hope is shattered and love is left to sit alone in her heart. She is sick of being turned down just because she is not beautiful enough to satisfy all your needs. Even though she is willing to hold you into the night and never stray from you. She is willing to climb the highest mountain and crawl across the deepest valley bleeding, yet that is never enough. She isnt worth the love or the time of day. And she is sick of not being able to make everyone else see that. She is not some hard ass butch, she is soft and kind and full of everything you could dream of. When will someone see this... she asks... begs even. Only time will tell... she will wait. She has no choice anymore.

She will show you the world and all the beauty in it... Just give her a chance. Just one chance.

I regret not telling you I love you one last time.
I regret you believing that James and I would be better without you.

Because to this day, I cry at movies about suicide. I am weak when I see a young girl with her mother and I am left without one. I dont have my best friend anymore.

But I think I regret most, is that you wont be there to see me graduate from college or meet the girl of my dreams.

Take Back the Night 2008

2,4,6,8
Down with Violence
Down with Hate.

I remember breaking at one point in the march and just started screaming the above chant. I broke my silence. I broke open to the world. Though I did not speak about my experience, I know many strong people who did. And I look up to them for having the courage I did not.

For all of you who don't know, Take Back the Night is an evening dedicated to stopping and or preventing domestic violence and sexual assault. I was the GLBT representative. I gave a short speech I did not write which was fine by me. I was nervous, I slurred some words together but overall it wasn't so bad. A friend of mine read someones story and that story brought me closer to the person. I could feel my stomach churn as she read my other friends experience with abuse.

I cant believe we even have to have that discussion. That we have to come together every year to try to prevent horrific events happening that SHOULD NOT happen to begin with. But I suppose thats life... bad things happen to both good and bad people. Yet every year hundreds of thousands of people are abused or assaulted (GLBT or not).

I hope some day I can walk with my head held high, not afraid of what people think of me, not afraid to walk alone at night, not afraid to be weak. I pray that one day I will be able to let my weaknesses show and that people can see me for who I really am. I am not the hard-ass bitch most people take me for. I am gentle. I am loving. And I am just like everyone else. But most people don't see that side of me. I am terrified to show that. To lower my walls and protection.

When that day comes, I will not fear attack from others, I will only fear the future. Because just like you and everyone else on this planet, there is only one of me. And I should not live in fear for those who cant accept who I am. I send my thanks out to everyone last night who shared their story on domestic abuse or sexual assault. Your courage inspired me.

Something I wrote tonight....

My Heaven is You

Have you ever starred across the room,
And into her eyes?
Floating freely across the floor,
At the speed of light...

You can feel her lip quiver,
As her skin touches yours.
Every time she kisses you,
Your body sores...

Her diaphram tightens,
As if saying, "You take my breath away."
And you pray to God,
Just for one more day.

In her eyes,
Is all you need,
To touch heaven,
And live on free.

I am sorry for hating that you left. I am sorry for calling you a bitch and making myself think you left on purpose. I am sorry for not believing in God, when all I felt was betrayel. I am sorry for trying to forget you. I am sorry for everything I have done to make you think I hate you. I am sorry for not trying hard enough. I am sorry for not telling you I loved you one last time...

No one seems to understand what its like to stand alone in a crowded room... when you have friends all around you but nothing makes it seem easier. No one can understand unless they have been through it. I dont feel like I could even try to make someone understand... I dont want them to feel what I feel inside. I dont want them to see the things I have seen... your mother laying in a casket.... cold.. hard... motionless... Knowing you will never feel her comforting arms around you again... knowing she wont be there to see you graduate from middle school... high school or even college... knowing that no matter what you do... there will never be someone like her. Your mother.. your best friend.. gone forever. But how long is forever really. Can anyone understand this hopelessness.. the cold in the night? The LONGING to be free from this hatred of yourself. I have tried so long to stand strong.. to forget my past and weaknesses... but weaknesses make me who I am... If I cry... its because... like yourself.. I am human. I have strengths and faults... no one is perfect. I am just coming to realize that no matter how hard I try... she will never come back for me like in my fantasies as a kid. She will never knock on my dorm room door and smile at me.. or call me to give me a comforting or reassuring comment. Those are in the past and I must learn to go on without the one I trust more than life.... She tried her best, even if her best wasnt enough to stay alive. I am half of her. I am the living half. I will live for her and do what I can to be happy. I love my mother even if all I can say is how disappointed I am that she is not here. In spirit.... yes... all spirits are with you. But the human touch and friendship is all I ever dreamed of having. And that is one I will have to live without. But trust me when I say... she will never be forgotten.

Marie Earle.
05-12-01

Lost but never forgotten.

manic

okay so tonight has been really weird. i started off crying. then i got angry. then immediately spectacular. ontop of the world. never better. its like the feeling you get when you feel nothing could go wrong. but this feeling will end soon, ebruptly, swiftly. thats what i hate about this shit, the only feeling that stays long enough is sad, worthless, and upset. my happy moods last, usually, on average of 2-3 hrs, most of the time its less. short bursts of excitement, then... poof. they are gone, just as quick as they came.

coming down off of this manic mood will go something like this...

picture an airplane, one engine prop plane, pilot and co pilot.
beautiful sunny day, perfect flight.
coming in and getting ready to land, now it starts.
landing gears wont go down.
wheels wont go down either.
[now you are fucked.]

the landing is everything but soft.
skidding down, sparks flying, spinning out of control.
thats the landing.
in the end, you both survive, but you feel like shit at the end.
shaken up.

and tomorrow... it could happen all over again.

Secondhand Serenade- Its Not Over

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say

Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?

We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head

I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break youIt's not over

Secondhand Serenade-Fall For You

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start

Oh, But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible
So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

Lips Of An Angel [for you]

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue

Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late?

Closer

Closer
closer
closer
closer

Turn the lights off in this place
And she shines just like a star
And I swear I know her face
I just don't know who you are
Turn the music up in here
I still hear her loud and clear
Like she's right there in my ear
Telling me that she wants to own me
To control me

Come closer
Come closer
And I just can't pull myself away
Under Her Spell I can't break
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
And I just can't break myself no way
But I don't want to escape
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop

I can feel her on my skin
I can taste her on my tongue
Shes the sweetest taste of sin
The more I get the more I want
She wants to own me.....
Come closer
She says "come closer"
And I just can't pull myself away
Under Her Spell I can't break
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop

And I just can't break myself no way
But I don't want to escape
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop

(Come closer)
(Come closer)
(Come closer)
(Come closer)
(Come closer)
(Come closer)
(Come closer)

I just can't stop nooooo
I just can't stop nooooo
I just can't stop nooooo
I just can't stop nooooo

And I just can't pull myself away
Under Her Spell I can't break
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop

And I just can't break myself no way
But I don't want to escape
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop

And I just can't pull myself away
Under Her Spell I can't break
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop
I just can't stop

Hawthorne Heights-Ohio Is For Lovers

Hey there,
I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all.
Where you are and how you feel.
With these lights off as these wheels keep rolling on and on.
(and on and on and on...)
Slow things down or speed them up.
Not enough or way too much.
(and on and on and on...)
How are you when I'm gone?

[Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

Spare me just three last words.
"I love you" is all she heard.
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.

[x2][Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

(YOU...KILL...ME...WELL)
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
My final breath is gone
So I can fall asleep tonight

[Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

(YOU...KILL...ME...WELL)
You know you do, you kill me well
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.
[to fade]

Hawthorne Heights-This Is Who We Are

Between the future and the past tense
Lies the present and the distance
So you think we're never coming back
Scoring points for passion and persistence
Between the lines and the highway
Lies the danger and the safety
You never thought this was gonna last
I always knew you'd never take it back

I always knew (I always knew)
[Chorus: x2]

I know it seems like we're never coming back
I know it feels like we're never coming back
You tried your best and you knew it wouldn't last
They were the words that she placed on her casket

Between the sadness and the smile
Lies the flicker of the fire
You always said this never hurt you
I always said you were a liar
With the all the towers and the wires
There still lies a little silence
Two hearts and one connection
One voice lacks emotion now

I always knew (I always knew)
[Chorus x2]

Instead of flowers like words that never mattered
Close it off forget about the sadness
(close it off forget about the sadness)
He always said she should have tried crying
Blaming him, as she was lying down

Not coming back (Not coming back)
Not coming back (Not coming back)
[Chorus x2]

News

Rach and I broke up. So thats the update.

Drama queens

I know I have known to be a mega drama queen in the past, but im really trying to get over that.
I hate how Drama follows Jen and Ash around... Its like a fucking magnet. I tried to call Jen today to talk to her but she has no minutes because she buys ashleys instead of her own. So I called ash... no answer, which i knew would happen, the her and I got into an arguement over text because she likes arguements... basically calling me a home wrecker... WHEN I TOLD JEN TO STICK IT OUT WITH ASHLEY. Jen told me repeatedly she wanted to leave her... and I said, you are married, stick with it and try more.... you havent even been together a year yet, first and second year I heard are the hardest. Just getting used to someone being there constantly. But Ash was basically accusing me of them being really shitty.. and that I was too close to jen at the club, when ash was all up on me and I backed off. WTF.... Jen and I WERE best friends.. and I told Jen I was not interested in her over 20 times. So when her and I hung out at Kats old apartment with Steve and a few other people, she wrote me this letter... basically AGAIN confessing her undieing love for me. I have this letter and I am really glad I didnt throw it away because I am giving it to Ash to prove to her I havent made the moves and I have never EVER tried to break them up. I basically kept them together at a few points because Jen was ready to take off again (thats what she does when it gets rough).
So ash and i decided to meet up after work so I can give it to her, then 40 min before i get out of work, tells me she is going to the fireworks with Jen (which BTW dont start until 9 and I get out of work at 7 and we were meeting at 730...) So thats not gunna happen. She wanted me to go to the beach and I said no. I cant have the car anyway tonight, but if i did I still wouldnt go. It cant always be on HER terms.
I am just so sick of being accused of shit I havent nor would I ever do. I told her I have a girlfriend who I love very much. Ash said, ya well your not married so that can change... I told her to stuff it, as far as I am concerned, I would be happy to wake up next to Rachel every morning for the rest of my life.


Hows that for a fucking wednesday