I am sorry for hating that you left. I am sorry for calling you a bitch and making myself think you left on purpose. I am sorry for not believing in God, when all I felt was betrayel. I am sorry for trying to forget you. I am sorry for everything I have done to make you think I hate you. I am sorry for not trying hard enough. I am sorry for not telling you I loved you one last time...

No one seems to understand what its like to stand alone in a crowded room... when you have friends all around you but nothing makes it seem easier. No one can understand unless they have been through it. I dont feel like I could even try to make someone understand... I dont want them to feel what I feel inside. I dont want them to see the things I have seen... your mother laying in a casket.... cold.. hard... motionless... Knowing you will never feel her comforting arms around you again... knowing she wont be there to see you graduate from middle school... high school or even college... knowing that no matter what you do... there will never be someone like her. Your mother.. your best friend.. gone forever. But how long is forever really. Can anyone understand this hopelessness.. the cold in the night? The LONGING to be free from this hatred of yourself. I have tried so long to stand strong.. to forget my past and weaknesses... but weaknesses make me who I am... If I cry... its because... like yourself.. I am human. I have strengths and faults... no one is perfect. I am just coming to realize that no matter how hard I try... she will never come back for me like in my fantasies as a kid. She will never knock on my dorm room door and smile at me.. or call me to give me a comforting or reassuring comment. Those are in the past and I must learn to go on without the one I trust more than life.... She tried her best, even if her best wasnt enough to stay alive. I am half of her. I am the living half. I will live for her and do what I can to be happy. I love my mother even if all I can say is how disappointed I am that she is not here. In spirit.... yes... all spirits are with you. But the human touch and friendship is all I ever dreamed of having. And that is one I will have to live without. But trust me when I say... she will never be forgotten.

Marie Earle.
05-12-01

Lost but never forgotten.