http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kpwng9SCQyQ&feature=related

we should watch this together.

<3

Rascal Flatts- I'm Moving On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Clay Walker- Fall

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you 
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, hunny, its okay

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine 
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Everytime you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

I have decided that what I write on this page, so named Word Vomit, it is now considered verbal diarrhea.

the end.

It is 2:43 am and I cant seem to fall asleep.  I have so much on my mind that my brain wont cease to stop functioning for a short period of time.  I find myself starting my organic chemistry pre-lab write-up and getting bored quickly because I am unsure of what the answers are.  So I will try reading now to bore myself into sleep.  I doubt that will work too because my mind will tell me I have to keep going in order to stay on top of all the work I still have to complete.  I am hungry.

It might just be that I cant sleep because I am lonely.  I hate my stupid bed.  Its so.... what's the appropriate word?  Empty?  Cold? I have no idea how to describe how big it seems to feel.  I curl up against the wall hoping that I wont realize it will still be empty when I wake up.

My post secret is up.  I heard people in the hallway asking questions about it throughout the week.  I wanted to speak up and explain what it meant however my bravery was lacking monday through friday it seemed.  I could not just tell them it was mine and the name was his.  HIS.... see I still cant say it out loud.  Not even to myself.  That is a sad thought.  Its like I am avoiding the truth.  Avoiding something that can and has hurt me.

I think I need a counselor.

I can try to fight it on my own but everyone around me suffers.  Partners, lovers... friends. Some try to understand but I am so scared to speak about it.  When I think, nightmares rush in like a pack of wild dogs to an injured feline.  They are swift to make their move and finish off the hopeless animal.  I refuse to be that injured cat.  I refuse to show just how screwed up I really am inside.  Will my consistent thoughts consume me?  I can only hope that I will prevail.

Struggling with them is all I know. How long have I done this for?  8 1/2 years? 9?  Some thoughts are more than I can bare.  I am struggling to catch my breath even now, door locked, knife under my pillow.... safe.  From who?  I think I am more afraid of myself.  I know that if it were to happen again and I was armed with a weapon, I would only turn it on myself because I could never hurt another human being.  And I know I could not live with the trauma all over again.  I am still a coward to this day.  And that thought brings tears to my eyes.

So tomorrow I am putting up my post secret.  I am more scared than I have been in a very long time.  I think the only time I was more scared was walking into the funeral home when we were having my mothers wake.  I remember my knees going weak and just breaking.  I didnt want my mother to be really gone.  I thought for the longest time that it wasn't her in the casket, that she would come back for me and we could run away and never look back.  She has yet come for me.  And I continue waiting.  I think I am still a child inside, believing something so much that I know can not be true.  Dead people cant come back.  But I still harbor the hope that maybe, just maybe, she will knock on my door and I wont have to be scared anymore, that maybe I will have my best friend back.

I need to grow up.

I think I am scared that people will use the name against me.  That people will say something to him and that someone will make me report it.  I will not.  And I am only doing this because staying silent has gotten to the point where I am slowly dieing inside.  My heart breaks more and more just because I can't cope with trusting someone not to hurt me.  I need to trust.  I need to learn that just because you give someone the ability to destroy you, doesn't mean that they will.  I guess I still have alot of growing up to do.

Not Ready to Make Nice

"They say time heals everything.... but I'm still waiting."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dblAC5uLb8

Story of my life.

Fireflight- Unbreakable

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I wanna go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see 
To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better

Forget the fear it's just a crutch 
That tries to hold you back 
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust

I have been told I do too much for Wilde Stein.  That I take over and just get things done.  But once again I have proven that if I dont do it, it wont get done.  I posted this morning that I was going to be cleaning the office and it would get done faster if I had help.  Well I came in... i was a little late but I was still here.  And I started cleaning.  I finished what I felt made it look somewhat professional and not so cluttered.  And no one else came in... I have to say I was surprised.  And I can always just shut up and take it.  But I dont have to do these things.  Like taking notes or making sure everyone is where they need to be.  I do it because I know otherwise it will go and not be finished or people wont be at meetings.  So I cleaned the office.  Big deal.  I am just complaining because I feel like I expected more.  I have been email Alumni from previous years asking for suggestions for Pride week.  Has anyone else gone through this much?  Nope.  Does anyone else care as much as I do?  Probably, but they dont show it.  And now i am being looked down upon for not calling people and asking them to come in.  I am not a babysitter, nor am I someone to call others and force them to work when they have homework or other things they need or want to do.  I just wont have a life.  Tough for me.

Please dont tell me I am doing to much.  If I am its because I know it has to be done.  I got yelled at by my boss because the office looked like shit this week.  And I have fixed that problem.  SO... I am covering my own ass now as President and I am certainly not going to allow WS to look like unorganized shit and fuck it up for future groups.  I just want this group to last.  I know it helped me when I came in, and I want to make sure everyone has a chance to be out and proud.

Skillet- Comatose

I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to You
Tell me that You will listen
You're touch is what i'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing You
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I hate living without You
Dead wrong to ever doubt You
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore You
Oh how I thirst for You
Oh how I need You
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel You next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
Breathing life
Waking up
My eyes open up
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of You
I don't wanna live, I dont wanna breathe
'Les I feel You next to me
You take the pain I feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I thirst for You
Waking up to You never felt so real
Oh how I adore You
The way You make me feel
Waking up to You never felt so real

_______________________________________

I heard this song in the car last night with KT fray and Meggles.  I love this song.  I only needed to hear it once to be addicted to the words and the feelings it left resonating in me.  It echos everything I have never been able or willing to say.  It makes me feel like I am not so crazy.  Maybe I am and there is someone out there who feels the same as I do.

Resonating is such a good word: Produce or be filled with a deep, full, reverberating sound.  Its a figurative form of speech.  To evoke or suggest images, memories or emotions.  Comes from the latin word resonare.

I cant seem to explain all my feelings lately which is why I havent blogged about what I am feeling. " Your finger tips across my skin.  You sang me spanish lullabyes, the sweetest sadness in your eyes. I never wanna see you unhappy.  Goodbye, my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream, I'm trying not to think about you." (And failing miserably).  And I am failing miserably.  I can feel myself pushing you away and thats something I dont want, but in fear I am doing it, unconsciously and consciously.  Sometimes I have to, other times I dont.  Like putting myself down makes you take a step back, but you always step forward again.  Will there be a time where you wont step forward again and I'll regret pushing.  The intelligent thing to do at this point would be to try see myself from your perspective.  This is my goal.  To try harder to accept myself and change the things I dont like.  Being a hardass for one.  I will show the real me.  I hope people can handle the change.  I hope I can handle the change.

Addison Road-Sticking With You

Come on, it's me you're talking to

There's something going on inside of you
Don't have to say it, but I wish you would
Cause it would be much easier

You always hide behind yourself
You walk a lonely road with no one's help
I hate to break the news
You're headed for a fall

And if I have to jump
Then I'll jump
And I won't look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull
Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be around
I'm sticking with you
I'm sticking with you

Even if you try and shut me out
I'm staying here 'cause thats what love's about
I might let you down, but I won't let you go

So lean into me, I want to know 
Everything about the fear you hold inside
'Cause you and I are better than just one so

If I have to jump
Then I'll jump
And I wont look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull
Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be around
I'm sticking with...

If that's what it means to love you
If that's what it means to have your back
If that what it takes to show you 
Then I'm in, I'm in

If I have to jump
Then I'll jump
And I wont look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull
Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be around

And if I have to jump
Then I'll jump
And I wont look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull
Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be around
I'm sticking with you
I'm sticking with you
I'm sticking with you

______________________________________________

So my friend KT fray said this song reminds her of me.  These are the lyrics.

Pinks new song

Sober- Pink (check out the video!! its hot)

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest

Or the girl who never wants to be alone

I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning

'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding

I stayed up again

Oohh, I am finding

That's not the way I want my story to end

[Sober Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]

I'm safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party's over?

No pain

Inside

You're my protection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...

The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth

Please don't tell me that we had that conversation

When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling

And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"

Aahh, I am falling

And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party's over?

No pain

Inside

You're like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down

Comin' down

Comin' down

Spinnin' round

Spinnin' round

Spinnin' round

Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down

Comin' down

Comin' down

Spinnin' round

Spinnin' round

Spinnin' round

Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad

Till you're trying to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry

Never again

Broken down in agony

And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party's over?

No pain

Inside

You're like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party's over?

No pain

Inside

You're like perfection

But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

My favorite song to jam with in the car with my roomie

Cascada- Everytime We Touch

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.

I still feel your touch in my dreams.

Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why

Without you it's hard to survive.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.

And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.

Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.

Need you by my side.

'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.

And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.

Can't you hear my heart beat so...

I can't let you go.

Want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.

They wipe away tears that I cry.

The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.

You make me rise when I fall.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.

And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.

Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.

Need you by my side.

'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.

And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.

Can't you hear my heart beat so...

I can't let you go.

Want you in my life.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.

And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.

Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.

Need you by my side.

Piece of Me- Ashley Simpson

On a Monday, I am waiting

Tuesday, I am fading

And by Wednesday, I can't sleep

Then the phone rings, I hear you

And the darkness is a clear view

Cuz you've come to rescue me

Fall... With you, I fall so fast

I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts

[Chorus:]

Ohhhhh

It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real

I like the way that feels

Ohhhhh

It's as if you've known me better than I ever knew myself

I love how you can tell

All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

I am moody, messy

I get restless, and it's senseless

How you never seem to care

When I'm angry, you listen

When youre happy, it's a mission

And you wont stop 'til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast

Well, I hit that bottom

Crash, you're all I have

[Chorus:]

Ohhhhh

It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real

I like the way that feels

Ohhhhh

It's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself

I love how you can tell

All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

How do you know everything I'm about to say?

Am I that obvious?

And if it's written on my face...

I hope it never goes away... yeah

On a Monday, I am waiting

And by Tuesday, I am fading into your arms...

So I can breathe

[Chorus:]

Ohhhhh

It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real

I like the way that feels

Ohhhhh

It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself

I love how you can tell

Ohhhhh

I love how you can tell

Ohhhhh

I love how you can tell

All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...

A woman is a mystery,

A (wo)man just cant understand.

Sometimes all it takes to please her,

Is the touch of your hand.

And other times you gotta take it slow,

And hold her all night long.

Heaven knows there's so many ways,

A (wo)man can go on.

Must be doing something right,

I just heard you sigh,

Lean into my kiss and close,

Those deep blue need you eyes.

Don't know what I did

To earn a love like this,

But baby I,

Must be doing something right.

Anywhere you wanna go,

Baby show me the way.

I'm open to suggestions,

Whatever you say.

Tonights about giving you,

Whatever you want, whatever it takes.

Girl I hope, I am on the right road

Judging by the smile on your face.

(will continue at a later date)

Miss my pooks

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

Broken-Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning 
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is the healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, having forgot my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm baely holdin' on to you

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget 
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning 
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

i want to be beautiful.

Untouched- The Veronicas

"Untouched"

I go ooh ooh, you go ah ah 
lalalalalalalala

lalalalalalalala
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want
Don't stop
Give me give me give me what you got got
Cause I can't wait wait wait any more more more more
Don't even talk about the consequence
Cause right now you're the only thing that's making any sense to me
And I don't give a damn what they say, what they think think
Cause you're the only one who's on my mind
I'll never ever let you leave me
I'll try to stop time for ever, never wanna hear you say goodbye (bye bye bye)

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

Untouched
And I need you so much

See you, breathe you, I want to be you
Alalalala alalalala
You can take take take take take time time
To live live the way you gotta gotta live your life
Give me give me give me all of you you
Don't be scared
I'll see you through the loneliness of one more more more
Don't even think about what's right or wrong, wrong or right
'Cause in the end it's only you and me and no one else is gonna be around
To answer all the questions left behind
And you and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today
You've still got me to hold you up up
And I will never let you down (down)

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you.

Untouched, untouched, untouched

Eminem-Soldier

I'm a soldier, these shoulder's hold up so much, they won't budge, i'll never fall or fold up,
i'm a soldier, even if my collar bone's crush or crumble, I will never slip or stumble, i'm a
soldier, these shoulder's hold up so much, they won't budge, i'll never fall or fold up, i'm a
soldier, even if my collar bone's crush or crumble, I will never stumble..