It is 2:43 am and I cant seem to fall asleep.  I have so much on my mind that my brain wont cease to stop functioning for a short period of time.  I find myself starting my organic chemistry pre-lab write-up and getting bored quickly because I am unsure of what the answers are.  So I will try reading now to bore myself into sleep.  I doubt that will work too because my mind will tell me I have to keep going in order to stay on top of all the work I still have to complete.  I am hungry.

It might just be that I cant sleep because I am lonely.  I hate my stupid bed.  Its so.... what's the appropriate word?  Empty?  Cold? I have no idea how to describe how big it seems to feel.  I curl up against the wall hoping that I wont realize it will still be empty when I wake up.

My post secret is up.  I heard people in the hallway asking questions about it throughout the week.  I wanted to speak up and explain what it meant however my bravery was lacking monday through friday it seemed.  I could not just tell them it was mine and the name was his.  HIS.... see I still cant say it out loud.  Not even to myself.  That is a sad thought.  Its like I am avoiding the truth.  Avoiding something that can and has hurt me.

I think I need a counselor.

I can try to fight it on my own but everyone around me suffers.  Partners, lovers... friends. Some try to understand but I am so scared to speak about it.  When I think, nightmares rush in like a pack of wild dogs to an injured feline.  They are swift to make their move and finish off the hopeless animal.  I refuse to be that injured cat.  I refuse to show just how screwed up I really am inside.  Will my consistent thoughts consume me?  I can only hope that I will prevail.

Struggling with them is all I know. How long have I done this for?  8 1/2 years? 9?  Some thoughts are more than I can bare.  I am struggling to catch my breath even now, door locked, knife under my pillow.... safe.  From who?  I think I am more afraid of myself.  I know that if it were to happen again and I was armed with a weapon, I would only turn it on myself because I could never hurt another human being.  And I know I could not live with the trauma all over again.  I am still a coward to this day.  And that thought brings tears to my eyes.