You're lips are tempting.  You're smile inviting.  The cards are stacked up against me.  Too scared to make the first move, but would certainly consider the second.  With every touch, I feel a quiver.  The tension is incredible.  Not even a sledgehammer could break it.  There is nothing more I enjoy than being in your eyes or waking up next to you.  It is the best feeling in the world.  I just wish I knew what was going on through your head when you send me that smile, pull me closer to you or nuzzle against my neck.  Just thinking about it sends shivers down my spine.  And my only thought now is when I will get to feel it all again.

I don't live with regrets.

Only experiences that make me stronger.

Thick skin.  More to love.

Trying to show that I am worth the risk.

But I can't help but not believe it myself.

Seems easier said then done.

Story of my life.

One step forward and three steps back.

I don't seem to be getting anywhere except where i have already been before.

Back to the blue prints.

New plan ahead.

MY WORLD-Sick Puppies

I'm not comin' back
I'm not gonna react
I'm not doin' shit for you.
I'm not sittin' around while you are tearin' it down around us.
I'm not livin' a lie while you swim in denial
'Cause you're already dead and gone
You leave me out on the curb just like everyone else before you.

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
Another lesson burned
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

I don't care what you think I'm not seeing a shrink.
I'm not doing this again.
I'm not another student or a mother to take your shit out on
So let's see what you got, let's see what you're not
And what ever else you pretend
You've defended my intentions long enough

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.

Another lesson burned
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

So here I am again.
In the middle of the end.
And the choice I wish I made
I always make too late

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
Another lesson burned
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world.

My world
My world (welcome to my world)
My world
My world (welcome to my world)
My world
Welcome baby.

I think this explains me the best.  Insecurity, self loathing, every inch of my fiber hates the rest.  Pathetic I know, but I don't know what else to do to even slightly enjoy my own company.  Alone.  Another lesson burned.  And I am drowning in the ashes.  I will just fake the smile when i look in the mirror, that seems to be working well.

I disagree when someone says, "You can't love someone entirely without loving yourself."  When I care about someone, my whole body feels it.  I move differently, my smile is pure and if anyone has ever seen my eyes, they say it all.  I can love without loving myself.  Maybe I will grow stronger and begin to like me, but until that day, people have to learn that I am me.  Whether they like it or not.

Welcome.

To.

My.

World.

My current situation

So I bought a new computer, Macbook.  It is wonderful.  I have never owned anything so expensive in my life and to hold something that I mostly bought, my aunt helped me pay for taxes on it and such, is really important to me.  When buying it this morning I was nauseous.  I was terrified to spend that much money.  But I did it.... surprisingly.  I can only imagine what I will be like when I buy my first car, or move into my first apartment..... my first house... oh poo I have a lot to learn.

I am chilling at my friends apartment, typing away.  She is really great.   Perfect smile.  Really soft skin, and a heart made of pure gold. *sigh*  I only wish she knew that.  Maybe I can show her.  We shall see. 

I feel like school is going okay.  I have three things due this week, none of which i have done, but I know i will get them all done.  I like to procrastinate because my work is always ten time better when I am rushed (besides the spelling) but I seem to get A's when I rush and D's when I take my time and work really hard on it.  I think I am broken.  Hah.   I dont know why I write on this blog, no one reads what I write anyway.   I think I just like getting things out.

Most people don't understand me, or what makes me tick.  I honestly don't have a clue most of the time.  I just go.  Don't think, don't trust, just do it.  I like it this way..... for now.

Crossfade-Cold

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win

You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high

I never meant to be so cold
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

She speaks

She just wants one girl to think she is worth it all. Worth the risk. Worth the love. She is not just some unstable-moodswinging-hypersensitive freak. She gives so much love and so much hope.. and every time the hope is shattered and love is left to sit alone in her heart. She is sick of being turned down just because she is not beautiful enough to satisfy all your needs. Even though she is willing to hold you into the night and never stray from you. She is willing to climb the highest mountain and crawl across the deepest valley bleeding, yet that is never enough. She isnt worth the love or the time of day. And she is sick of not being able to make everyone else see that. She is not some hard ass butch, she is soft and kind and full of everything you could dream of. When will someone see this... she asks... begs even. Only time will tell... she will wait. She has no choice anymore.

She will show you the world and all the beauty in it... Just give her a chance. Just one chance.

I regret not telling you I love you one last time.
I regret you believing that James and I would be better without you.

Because to this day, I cry at movies about suicide. I am weak when I see a young girl with her mother and I am left without one. I dont have my best friend anymore.

But I think I regret most, is that you wont be there to see me graduate from college or meet the girl of my dreams.