Leanne Rhymes- I need you

I don't need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You're my only reason
You're my only truth

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you

You're the hope that moves me
To courage again
You're the love that rescues me
When the cold winds, rage
And it's so amazing
'Cause that's just how you are
And I can't turn back now
'Cause you've brought me too far

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
And it carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do
I need you
ahh i need you

Can You Feel the Love Tonight- Elton John

There's a calm surrender to the rush of day
When the heat of the rolling world can be turned away
An enchanted moment, and it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior just to be with you

And can you feel the love tonight
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far
And can you feel the love tonight
How it's laid to rest
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best

There's a time for everyone if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn
There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager beats in time with yours
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You make me the happiest woman.
I am so happy I found you.
Ich liebe dich. <3

Just finished the small surprise I've been planning for a week. I hope it goes over well. I think it will. Can't wait for the next one... *evil laugh*. Bigger and better. Gosh I think I caught the love bug. =)

<3

Conversation with the brother

Me: Have I told you recently that I love you, and that I am proud of you. Well. Just wanted to put that out there.

Bro: Hey kiddo, love you too! I tell people all the time how proud I am of you.

Me: I dont feel so proud of myself, but thank you!

Bro: I am not having this contestant with you. You are doing awesome.

Me: I dont feel like doing this whole school thing anymore. I hate it here.

Bro: I am not going to hit you with cliche's but you quit because things get hard, you're no different than dad. You're gunna do what you want either way, but you'll regret quitting. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But you will.

Me: You know I wont quit. I am just tired of feeling dumber than half the school, who can graduate with 4.0's on time.

Bro: You're not, but when you devote more time to running your gay pride association then studying you're gunna slide. You need to devote your time to what matters. Graduate and be done with it... know what the call a guy that graduates bottom of his class of med school? Doctor.

Me: I am not going to med school. I am going to be a conservationist. You know what they call those here who cant graduate on time? Slackers and my organization isnt affecting my grades. You dont knwo what its like to be marginalized. I have to constantly fight to get rights and respect.

Bro: No. You choose to fight for respect. I support you best I can, kid but you make your homosexuality out to be work. I work around gays all day long and they're treated no different than me or anyone else. College may not be exactly the same but I'm betting that if (you) it werent so damn hypersensitive and took things less personally your life would be infinitely better. There are millions of people out there who have it so much worse than you, but all you can do it wallow in self pity over your sexual orientation. Grow up Krystal. Because you may be getting away with this now, but when you get into the real world all you be is a feminist bitch. I love you, and I'm sorry that you're gonna be mad and once again wallow in your own self pity for a week, but there will be a day when you figure out that I'm right.

Me: I am not wallowing in self pity. I want the same rights as you were born with and I will be damned if I am going to let anyone refuse me that. I study alot. I am aceing organic chemistry. I am finally proud of who I am and I am happy. I am just pissed at one class. Again thanks for making me feel like I'm 5yrs old. I was wrong in thinking I could talk to you without getting a lecture.

Bro:You get treated as how you act. You have the same rights. This isn't 16th century europe.

Me: I just wanted some confidence that I figured you could give me. Sorry to bother you at work.
Me: Alright have a good night. Love you.
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During this conversation I was at dinner with a few friends. I couldnt help but start to cry. I learned that my brother is not someone I should ever go to for anything other than a hardass response.
I am not going to stop fighting for equal rights.
I am not going to faulter and give up.
If that means I am in some peoples eyes, a feminist bitch, than so be it.
I am allowed to marry in ONE state. I am allowed to adopt in THREE. I want to ask how that is that same rights as my brother.
When I need to pee in public, I search for a gender neutral bathroom because i am too scared to use a female one. I am afraid of people looking at me like I have six heads, like I am in the wrong bathroom because I look like a guy. I called my aunt crying. She had no idea what to say except that "You are fighting for what you believe in, more than he's ever done." I think that was the best thing she has ever said to me.

All this started by me telling him I loved him. By wanting to do the right thing and wanting to share with him how I was feeling. Lesson learned. Guess he wont come to my wedding. Oh right. I cant fucking get married.

song

So I found the song I have been looking for. The title is Youth of a Nation by POD. Take a listen if you get a chance. It speaks what I have been seeing since i was a kid. I could find a bit of myself in each kid that he talked about except the one that pulled a gun on someone else.
I was promiscuous, I was the class clown, I was suicidal. When I first heard this song, it surprised the shit out of me and I fell for every word. I hate the fact that it screams the truth.

I will try to post the lyrics below, but I seem to be having an issue with it.

Lets try again.

POD- Youth of a Nation

Last day of the rest of my life
I wish I would’ve known
Cause I didn't kiss my mama goodbye
I didn’t tell her that I loved her, how much I cared
Or thank my pops for all the talks
And all the wisdom he shared
Unaware, I just did what I always do
Everyday, the same routine
Before I skate off to school

But who knew that this day wasn’t like the rest
Instead of taking a test
I took two to the chest
Call me blind, but I didn’t see it coming
Everybody was running
But I couldn’t hear nothing
Except gun blasts, it happened so fast
I don’t really know this kid
Even though I sit by him in class

Maybe this kid was reaching out for love
Or maybe for a moment
He forgot who he was
Or maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged
Whatever it was
I know it’s because

We are, We are, (We are) the youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) the youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) youth of the nation

Little Suzy, she was only twelve
She was given the world
With every chance to excel
Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell
She might act kind of proud
But no respect for herself
She finds love in all the wrong places
The same situations
Just different faces
Changed up her pace since her daddy left her
Too bad he never told her
She deserved much better

Johnny boy always played the fool
He broke all the rules
So you would think he was cool
He was never really one of the guys
No matter how hard he tried
Often thought of suicide
It’s kind of hard when you ain’t got no friends
He put his life to an end
They might remember him then
You cross the line and there’s no turning back
Told the world how he felt
With the sound of a gat

We are, We are, (We are) the youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) the youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are) youth of the nation

Na, na, na , na, na, na, na, na, na, na
na, na, na

Who’s to blame for the lives that tragedies claim
No matter what you say
It don’t take away the pain
That I feel inside, I’m tired of all the lies
Don’t nobody know why
It’s the blind leading the blind
I guess that’s the way the story goes
Will it ever make sense
Somebody’s got to know

There’s got to be more to life than this
There’s got to be more to everything
I thought exists

Chorus:
We are, We are, the youth of the nation
We are, We are, youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are, we are) the youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are, we are) youth of the nation
We are, We are, (We are, we are) the youth of the nation
(the youth of the nation)
We are, We are, (We are, we are) youth of the nation
(youth of the nation)
We are, We are, (We are, we are) the youth of the nation
(the youth of the nation)
We are, We are, (We are, we are) youth of the nation
(youth of the nation)

We are...
Youth of the nation
We are...
Youth of the nation
We are...
Youth of the nation
We are...

I have been struggling with the developing story concerning Amber. Most people know what has been going on with the investigation. Agents have been to my dorm and have asked me numerous questions concerning our relationship. We met once. I was honest, truthful and blunt. Just as they were with me.

I had a nightmare last night concerning Amber and her daughter. Everytime I woke up, I fell back into the dream right where I left off. It has left me feeling lost.

Tonight at AA I saw someone with the same structural facial features as Amber. I feel like wherever I go, I will be reminded of my mistakes. All I want to do is curl into a ball and cry. Could be my period. Could be that I just cant take the stress of this situation anymore. I am trying to get over this. Move on with my life. My brain just wont shut off. I find myself searching for updates on the case daily. I am not sure why I am so obsessed with researching this. I think I just want to reassure myself that I didnt make a mistake. That she isnt crazy. I never thought that when we hung out. She seemed normal. But clearly something was wrong because she killed someone. The pictures online are devastating. I need to get over this. Quickly. *sighs*

Quotes that I found

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
let it be spoken without effect,
without the trace of a shaddow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was;
there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near, just round the corner.
And all is well.

Henry Scott Holland ~ 1847-1918
Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral ~ London. UK
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Love is a strange thing. It can be the most amazing feeling in the world, or it can really hurt, but in the end love is something most, if not all of us, will face."
-wikiHow
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