20....

So... I am 20....
Happy birthday to me... not.
I cant help but think she should be here to see it... my mom that is. But shes not. So I really hate birthdays... I dont think James will text or call me which makes me mad. We will see. He really doesnt give a damn anymore, which is very sad. I am not sure where I went wrong. I guess he thinks im really conceeded. Which I am not. For once, I found someone who I REALLY liked and I thought he'd be happy for me... instead he just got more distant. He has gotten really mean. I dont know. We drifted... i guess best friend forever was a lie.

Happy birthday Alan. Glad your 21. Come see me soon... which you wont read this so I dont know why i even thought to write it. Whatever.

New Favorite Song

Sixx A.M.- Life Is Beautiful

You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don’t
I’ve done things that you won’t
There’s nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home
I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Its true... i love you. I cant stop thinking about you. Every time you call me.. that ringtone sends chills down my spine. Tomorrow we will be together again.. even if it just for a little while, my dreams come true when you are by my side. Walking together, hand in hand. Its perfection in the making. We can make it. I know we can. We have what it takes to make a team, and a dream. Soon, I will have you back in my arms.

Unexpected

Sometimes you meet someone. And the first time you see them you are happy to be spending time with them. You look forward to the next time you will have dinner, go to a movie, walk at night, watch a movie, go camping, go on a hike in the middle of the woods to see a special spot, hold their hand, (maybe even kiss them if you get so lucky), hear them sing a song to you, cook with them, or have them cook for you, see their smile, hear them laugh at one of your stupid jokes, see them smile when they see you walking by, hear them say your name, or call you. You get a funny feeling in your stomach when the first kiss finally takes place.
Next time you see them, your heart pounds, and unexpectedly you are willing to let this feeling come again, despite the chances that you'll get hurt and a piece could potentially be missing forever. You know its not wrong and every time you see them, it grows stronger. You realize that maybe, just maybe, she could be the one you wake up next to, have an apartment with, (maybe a house in time), grow together and share a life with. She begins to be your everything, your every breath when you are short one, your life's personal trainer, your soulmate, your very best friend. You let it flow, naturally, without haist and without running. They are your everything.
You are my everything.

Tear in Heaven

Eric Clapton- Tears in Heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I dont belong here in heaven...

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
Cause I know I just cant stay here in heaven...

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please...begging please
Beyond the door theres peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I dont belong here in heaven...

-05.12.01-

Just another day. Just another day. Shouldnt hurt as bad as it does. I am so thankful for all my friends today... they all texted me and made me feel so much better. Rachel talked to me and honestly, saved me from myself. My thoughts running through my head... she stopped them and just made me feel at home. I miss her arms. I miss her cute smile... the way it made my heart just feel whole. My heart hasnt felt like that in such a long time. I am thankful she is in my life.

Tonight my aunt asked if we were dating. "No, not yet... I have hopes, but not yet." My simple reply. She said that Rachel is a great girl. I smiled. I know she is amazing. And I hope my aunt will accept her with opens arms like she does to James girlfriend. I hope. Maybe this christmas will be the christmas i can bring a girlfriend home.

I am doing okay. I am very surprised. I almost cried this afternoon but i held it in.. my dad was there. I didnt want to upset him. So I held it in. Smiled, hugged him and went off to the sunporch. I read my book and just ignored it all. So yeah that is my day. 7 years.... and i still dont feel different.

♥ Thanks to all who helped me deal with today. I am forever gratefull to have you in my life. I love you all very much.

Tomorrow.. is 7 years. May 12, 2001-- changed my life. Perhaps for better, perhaps for worse. I am in college. Seeing an amazing girl. But that doesnt stop the throb in my heart. Everyday that goes by, my mother isnt here to see it. If there is a heaven, she shouldve been accepted. She helped so many people... but suicide is a sin in many religions.

What would I give to see you again... to hear you tell me you are proud of me. That you are happy i am in college and making something of myself. But what am I making? I am just fucking most of it up. Working doesnt help... just makes me realize that I dont have enough money to live on.

I have so much though. A beautiful girl. A loving family. I am not the dumbest person in the world. I have a good job, lots of friends. My health for now... I just want you here with me. Life is so fucked up sometimes. Bad things happen to good and bad people. Most people couldnt deal with the shit they are dealt with, I think I have done alright. I am not dead. And I will not accept that as an answer to my problems. I will lift my head and go on living. Its all I know how to do. Just dont judge me. I am sure you are not impressed with the fact that I am gay. But its my life and I wouldnt judge those you love. Mama, I miss you. And I wish you could understand.
I will write tomorrow. I'll never forget you.