Take Back the Night 2008

2,4,6,8
Down with Violence
Down with Hate.

I remember breaking at one point in the march and just started screaming the above chant. I broke my silence. I broke open to the world. Though I did not speak about my experience, I know many strong people who did. And I look up to them for having the courage I did not.

For all of you who don't know, Take Back the Night is an evening dedicated to stopping and or preventing domestic violence and sexual assault. I was the GLBT representative. I gave a short speech I did not write which was fine by me. I was nervous, I slurred some words together but overall it wasn't so bad. A friend of mine read someones story and that story brought me closer to the person. I could feel my stomach churn as she read my other friends experience with abuse.

I cant believe we even have to have that discussion. That we have to come together every year to try to prevent horrific events happening that SHOULD NOT happen to begin with. But I suppose thats life... bad things happen to both good and bad people. Yet every year hundreds of thousands of people are abused or assaulted (GLBT or not).

I hope some day I can walk with my head held high, not afraid of what people think of me, not afraid to walk alone at night, not afraid to be weak. I pray that one day I will be able to let my weaknesses show and that people can see me for who I really am. I am not the hard-ass bitch most people take me for. I am gentle. I am loving. And I am just like everyone else. But most people don't see that side of me. I am terrified to show that. To lower my walls and protection.

When that day comes, I will not fear attack from others, I will only fear the future. Because just like you and everyone else on this planet, there is only one of me. And I should not live in fear for those who cant accept who I am. I send my thanks out to everyone last night who shared their story on domestic abuse or sexual assault. Your courage inspired me.

Something I wrote tonight....

My Heaven is You

Have you ever starred across the room,
And into her eyes?
Floating freely across the floor,
At the speed of light...

You can feel her lip quiver,
As her skin touches yours.
Every time she kisses you,
Your body sores...

Her diaphram tightens,
As if saying, "You take my breath away."
And you pray to God,
Just for one more day.

In her eyes,
Is all you need,
To touch heaven,
And live on free.

I am sorry for hating that you left. I am sorry for calling you a bitch and making myself think you left on purpose. I am sorry for not believing in God, when all I felt was betrayel. I am sorry for trying to forget you. I am sorry for everything I have done to make you think I hate you. I am sorry for not trying hard enough. I am sorry for not telling you I loved you one last time...

No one seems to understand what its like to stand alone in a crowded room... when you have friends all around you but nothing makes it seem easier. No one can understand unless they have been through it. I dont feel like I could even try to make someone understand... I dont want them to feel what I feel inside. I dont want them to see the things I have seen... your mother laying in a casket.... cold.. hard... motionless... Knowing you will never feel her comforting arms around you again... knowing she wont be there to see you graduate from middle school... high school or even college... knowing that no matter what you do... there will never be someone like her. Your mother.. your best friend.. gone forever. But how long is forever really. Can anyone understand this hopelessness.. the cold in the night? The LONGING to be free from this hatred of yourself. I have tried so long to stand strong.. to forget my past and weaknesses... but weaknesses make me who I am... If I cry... its because... like yourself.. I am human. I have strengths and faults... no one is perfect. I am just coming to realize that no matter how hard I try... she will never come back for me like in my fantasies as a kid. She will never knock on my dorm room door and smile at me.. or call me to give me a comforting or reassuring comment. Those are in the past and I must learn to go on without the one I trust more than life.... She tried her best, even if her best wasnt enough to stay alive. I am half of her. I am the living half. I will live for her and do what I can to be happy. I love my mother even if all I can say is how disappointed I am that she is not here. In spirit.... yes... all spirits are with you. But the human touch and friendship is all I ever dreamed of having. And that is one I will have to live without. But trust me when I say... she will never be forgotten.

Marie Earle.
05-12-01

Lost but never forgotten.

manic

okay so tonight has been really weird. i started off crying. then i got angry. then immediately spectacular. ontop of the world. never better. its like the feeling you get when you feel nothing could go wrong. but this feeling will end soon, ebruptly, swiftly. thats what i hate about this shit, the only feeling that stays long enough is sad, worthless, and upset. my happy moods last, usually, on average of 2-3 hrs, most of the time its less. short bursts of excitement, then... poof. they are gone, just as quick as they came.

coming down off of this manic mood will go something like this...

picture an airplane, one engine prop plane, pilot and co pilot.
beautiful sunny day, perfect flight.
coming in and getting ready to land, now it starts.
landing gears wont go down.
wheels wont go down either.
[now you are fucked.]

the landing is everything but soft.
skidding down, sparks flying, spinning out of control.
thats the landing.
in the end, you both survive, but you feel like shit at the end.
shaken up.

and tomorrow... it could happen all over again.

Secondhand Serenade- Its Not Over

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say

Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do
But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?

We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head

I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break youIt's not over

Secondhand Serenade-Fall For You

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start

Oh, But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible
So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

Lips Of An Angel [for you]

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue

Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late?