Second rant of the evening.

Jen has been lieing to my face for months now.  I have had it.  She tells me that A.) she doesnt want anything to do with her ex wife and B.) she hasnt had sex for months (which i really could careless about, her getting some and all) Then I find out tonight, she is still dating her ex wife and sleeping with her.  This is making me question what kind of friend she really is.  She tells me EVERYDAY, that I know her best, that I know her true feelings, yet I can't catch her lieing to my face.  I guess I really dont have a clue who she is.

Okay, so this is my rant:

Don't fucking lie to my face because I will find out and no one wants me as their enemy.  I have ears every where and people in odd places who will tell me the truth.  I am not someone anyone wants to make angry.  I am a bull in a china shop, a rabid german shepherd, a feral cat.  Don't fuck with me.  Just don't do it.

I plan on calling her out on the lies after her ex wife and i sit down together tomorrow and have a decent, adult conversation.  Something which I have wanted to do for a long time.  I am almost 21 and fighting with people seems so pointless now.  I am tired of fighting.  I fight with myself so much that anything else is above and beyond my energy level.  I am wiped out from just this evening learning of the lies.  My body doesnt know how to react nor does my brain know how to think.  I am sick of fake friends.  My aunt was right, Jen hasnt grown up.  And it is my mistake for thinking she has.

Staind- Its Been A While

It's been a while 
Since I could hold my head up high 
And it's been a while 
Since I first saw you 
It's been a while 
Since I could stand on my own two feet again 
And it's been a while 
Since I could call you 
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem 
The consequences that I've rendered 
I've stretched myself beyond my means 

It's been a while 
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted and 
It's been a while 
Since I could say I love myself as well and 
It's been a while 
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do 
It's been a while 
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you 
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem 
The consequences that I've rendered 
I've gone and fucked things up again 

Why must I feel this way? 
Just make this go away 
Just one more peaceful day 

Its been awhile 
Since I could look at myself straight 
And it's been awhile 
Since I said I'm sorry 
It's been awhile 
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face 
It's been awhile 
But I can still remember just the way you taste 
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem 
I know it's me i cannot blame this on my father 
He did the best he could for me 

It's been a while 
Since I could hold my head up high 
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry 

Heavily Broken-The Veronicas

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken 

Swingin' start here.

"Take off your hat."

"What? Why? You hate when I cut my hair."

"I want to see just how short it is this time."

"I have been doing it for the past 5 years, arent you used to it by now?"

"How can ANYONE be used to a girl looking like THAT."

"I am used to it."

"Then that is ALL that matters I guess."

Sometimes screaming is all I can do.  In my head of course.  Just so sick of never being accepted.  All I can do is stand my ground even if it means being looked down upon.

"When did you get that new hole in your head"

"Um, I have had it for a while."

"Well it just surprises me just how you continue to disrespect me."

"I dont feel it is about disrespecting you."

"I only asked that you not do anymore until you are out of my house."

"It is my body, I feel I should do what I want with it."

"But this is my house."

"That it is."

I dont know how to feel anymore.  I used to be proud of myself.  Used to be proud of my strong moral foundation, that everyone, deep down can be a good person and is when they chose to be.  But I keep looking back and seeing the things she says to me.

"You're hair is too short."

"Why do you wear mens clothes, do you want to be a man?"

"You've gained weight."

"If I ever see you kiss a girl, I will stop in my tracks and puke."

The last statement has scarred me more than words can possibly describe.

"Well then I guess I wont be inviting you to my wedding, since you cant bare to see me happy."

"I just can't bare to see you with a woman."

Would it kill her just to see that I am happy being with a woman?  No, infact it will not.  It will not strike her dead on the spot.  It could make her stomach turn, but don't fucking say it to me.  I have enough to worry about than her opinions of how ugly I am, or how fat I am.  Or how I am indeed a lesbian, something I can not control.

"I pray everyday, that I will wake up and be straight just for you.  Its true."

I would give so much just to make her proud of me for ONE DAY!!!!!!! THATS ALL I WANT... ONE DAY TO MAKE HER HAPPY THAT SHE CHOSE TO TAKE ME IN... I have only been a burden for the past 7 and 1/2 years.  A burden that needs to be squashed, like a bug on the windshield. Or dog shit that you hose off in the front yard, water on full blast, to make sure you get it out of the creases.  Nothing but scum and shit in her eyes.  I want it to be different.

Even if just for a day.

Incidentally, Don't ever get raped by a domesticated cat Dr. Chan.  They have barbed penis' to ravage the vagina on the way out to stop the female from mating again.

Shit, glad I'm not a cat.  Hell I would probably be a gay cat anyway which would suck even more.

I have no idea why I am typing this.  Random thoughts flowing now.

"Gotta check into rehab cuz baby you're my disease"- Song playing Rehab by Rihanna

"You got me thinking, your the reason I don't wanna smoke on this cigarette no more"

Thinking about sunsets and soft sand between my fingers.

Warm water rushing over my toes, laying in her arms.

Feeling the warmth of the sun as it falls silently into the horizon.

You can only hear our breaths, and the waves crashing around us.

Perhaps a bird in the distance, fluttering of wings.

"In the arms of an angel, fly away from here."- Sarah McLaughin Angel

I just want, a piece of mind.

Laying in bed, thinking, dreaming, wishing. Soft music and the sound of the keys as I press into them.  click click click, backspace 4X.  Sweet madness. Glorious sadness brings these thoughts to me. From this dark cold hotel room and this endlessness that you fear.

I am trying to look past the wreckage.  I wanna find the comfort in the arms of an angel.

I think I am ranting. *sigh* feels like a waste of time.

I wish the swings would stop.  Hopelessly happy one minute, then a trigger and I am off, flying and falling into more endless thoughts.

"I will remember you, will you remember me?"

Something I ask myself daily.  Am I worth remembering?  What will people say at my funeral?  What will their memories say about me.

"She was moody, she was angry alot, but overall a good hearted person."

I wish the first two parts weren't so, but I don't think I have much to defend in that.  I am moody and if any mood overrides another, it would be my anger.  Resentments are my downfall.  Takes me forever and a day to forgive and forget.  Pain overrides the sadness and anger sets in.  I am not one to hate, but I am one to keep a grudge.  I wish I could let go and move on.  Move on and let go.  I would just like to take a breath and feel better.  I would take so many breaths but that would be it.  There wouldn't be consistent thoughts of revenge, which I will never partake in, but the thoughts are enough.

I just want to let go.  And move on.

I will remember you, will you remember me?  Do you remember me?  Do you want to remember me?  I just want these thoughts to stop.

Jamey Johnson- In Color

I said, Grandpa what’s this picture here 
It’s all black and white and ain’t real clear
Is that you there, he said, yeah I was eleven
Times were tough back in thirty-five
That’s me and Uncle Joe just tryin’ to survive
A cotton farm in the Great Depression

And if it looks like we were scared to death
Like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should have seen it in color

This one here was taken overseas
In the middle of hell in nineteen forty-three
In the winter time you can almost see my breath
That was my tail gunner ole’ Johnny McGee
He was a high school teacher from New Orleans
And he had my back right through the day we left

And if it looks like we were scared to death
Like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should have seen it in color

A picture’s worth a thousand words 
But you can’t see what those shades of gray keep covered
You should have seen it in color

This one is my favorite one
It’s me and grandma in the summer sun
All dressed up the day we said our vows
You can’t tell it here but it was hot that June
That rose was red and her eyes were blue
And just look at that smile I was so proud

That’s the story of my life
Right there in black and white

And if it looks like we were scared to death
Like a couple of kids just trying to save each other
You should have seen it in color

A picture’s worth a thousand words 
But you can’t see what those shades of gray keep covered
You should have seen it in color

You should have seen it in color

Great song

Billy Currington - Don't

Dont you hate hearing that clock on the wall chimming saying its time and 
Dont you just wish we could stay right here together all day long
You know it wouldnt be a crime if we crawled back into bed got as close as we could get
Tried to figure out where this thing is going

Baby, baby, dont, dont you say youre leaving
Why dont you stay a little bit longer
Got it going on and I just cant believe it 
This feeling it just keeps getting stronger

If you gotta go you gotta know I might go crazy
Here without you baby
Reliving every kiss, you aint leaving me like this
It just aint right and wait until tonight to light another flame
You know it wouldnt be the same as the fire we got burning this morning

Baby, baby, dont, dont you say youre leaving
Why dont you stay a little bit longer
Got it going on and I just cant believe it 
This feeling it just keeps getting stronger

No, Noone else can love me like you do
You know I aint even close to thru
Loving you...

Baby, baby, dont, dont you say youre leaving
Why dont you stay a little bit longer
Got it going on and I just cant believe it 
This feeling it just keeps getting stronger