So tomorrow I am putting up my post secret.  I am more scared than I have been in a very long time.  I think the only time I was more scared was walking into the funeral home when we were having my mothers wake.  I remember my knees going weak and just breaking.  I didnt want my mother to be really gone.  I thought for the longest time that it wasn't her in the casket, that she would come back for me and we could run away and never look back.  She has yet come for me.  And I continue waiting.  I think I am still a child inside, believing something so much that I know can not be true.  Dead people cant come back.  But I still harbor the hope that maybe, just maybe, she will knock on my door and I wont have to be scared anymore, that maybe I will have my best friend back.

I need to grow up.

I think I am scared that people will use the name against me.  That people will say something to him and that someone will make me report it.  I will not.  And I am only doing this because staying silent has gotten to the point where I am slowly dieing inside.  My heart breaks more and more just because I can't cope with trusting someone not to hurt me.  I need to trust.  I need to learn that just because you give someone the ability to destroy you, doesn't mean that they will.  I guess I still have alot of growing up to do.