Just So You Know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop



___________
Good song

random bundled up bullshit

Slowly slipping.
I told my counselor I had an anger problem.
Its true.
Sometimes I just break, and everything I have never wanted to tell someone will slip out.

I didnt mean to push you away.. atleast not that far away.

Its the eye of the tiger, its the thrill of the fight.

I dont know what I am doing here at Umaine and that scares me.

I am terrified about how I feel about you.

I just got a 60 on my ochem quiz.
Fuck my life.

I will try harder next time. One thing that pisses me off... 2,3-bromohexene shouldve been 2,3-dibromohexene. I didn't get partial credit. My roomate is talking really loud and I am losing focus on my shitty writing.

Short story from friday:
I was walking to the Counseling Center having a cig, thinking about what I could talk about today, my main thought: I have a lab report due in 8 hrs that I havent started. My depression has come in full swing again.
I saw Madye walking. She stopped to hug me. She thanked me for moving my cig out of range when she did hug me. I only replied with a "You're Welcome."

What I really wanted to say:
Thank you for being able to brighten a room by walking into it. Thank you for hugging me when I felt most vulnerable, even though I am not the most personable individual you know.Thank you for being my friend. I really wish I could be more like you. Happy about life, happy with my major, easily made happy. When I walk into a room, people don't smile like when they see you. I wish I could make them do that. I wish I was happier, more calm, and a little less anxious would be nice too. My energy always seems to be so uptight and unhappy. I wish I could be more like you.

Now I wish I would've told her that.

I feel horrible.  I have never fired anyone.  I am not personally doing it, mainly because the person being removed from office doesn't like me.  I feel like his failure as an officer is a result of my failure as a leader.  I feel like the worst person in the world because maybe I didn't give him enough chances.  I figured 3 months would be plenty of time to get into the swing of things, understanding responsibilities and leadership roles.  I guess not.  Maybe its just because he is a first year and hasn't exactly found his place at the University yet.  Whichever the case may be, the group has decided to remove him from office.

I want to go home. =(

I miss my dad.  However much of a pain he is when I am home.

I miss my late night talks with my aunt, and avoiding the topic of my gayness.

I miss my AA friends.

I miss my job, my dogs, my cat.

I want to go home.

Shed Some Light- Shinedown

I'm falling apart again
And I can't find a way to make amends
And I'm looking in both directions
But it's make believe, it's all pretend

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

It's innocence within the maze
But I have chosen the wrong way
I'm still getting over who I was
There's no sense of trust, there's no definition of love

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

I know now, it's not who you are
It's who you know
And I see clearly now, which way to go
I remember the way I fell from above
And I recall the way I was

So...
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in
Shed some ling on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll...
Tell me something that I'll believe
Tell me something that I'll believe
Something I'll believe

I can feel myself slipping.  My mood is changing as I write.  I feel the burning anger inside of me, I feel like I could scream in her face.  Being second guessed by my boss, advisor, and "friend" is more aggravating than I can express with words.  I am not incompetent of making executive decisions.  I am doing what I think is a good idea.  I am so sick of being down played as a lower student or person.  I may just go in and start yelling.  I will not be second guessed.  I will not be lowered.  Yes, she has been here longer.   If she wants to advise me... then advise it... do not tell me what I should and should not do.  Don't ask if I have been to meetings, because I have been to the meetings I am told to go to.  I go to meetings that I am not suppose to go to.  I am one person.  Dont tread on me.  If I am cornered I will lash out.  I hope she realizes that before she says something she will later regret.

Imagine Me and You- the Turtles

Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together

So happy together
How is the weather
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together
Happy together
So happy together
So happy together (ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba)

____________

I love this song. More than anything.   I hope to have this.  I hope.  I hope.  I hope.  I hope to love someone as much as they me.  I hope.

Scattered thoughts and delusions about what this life is suppose to be has left me speechless beyond my normal recognition.  Its true that I dont try as hard as I could.  It seems like so much effort just to get an A on a report or quiz.  With all the money that goes into a piece of paper that says I am qualified to handle an animal is rather ridiculous.  I am somewhat fed up with all the effort one must put it.  And I know I could never make it onto the deans list.  I have tried really hard but never actually made it.  I wish I could.  That would make me very happy.

As it turns out, the class I thought would be the easiest, has become the hardest.  Who would've thought that ceramics required so much structural and intellectual discipline.  Rather disappointing indeed.