Sara McLaughlin-Angel

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For the break that will make it okay
There´s always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it´s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I´ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, 
And the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You´re in the arms of the angel; 
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, 
And everywhere you turn
There´s vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, 
You keep on building the lies
That make up for all that you lack
It don´t make no difference, 
Escaping one last time
It´s easier to believe
In this sweet madness, 
Oh, this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, 
And the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You´re in the arms of the angel; 
May you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel; 
May you find
Some comfort here

______________________

I can't explain what that song did to me on the day my mom died.  It felt like i could feel her heart stop along with my own.  I still haven't regained strength since she left.  I have always felt weaker since then.  I just hope she is indeed in the arms of an angel, so she can finally be at peace with herself.

I remember exactly where i was when I first read suicide on her death certificate.  My father told me she died of a heart attack.  I believed it.  She smoked.  She drank.  She was over weight.  Seemed like a possibility.  But why were the counselors at school asking me if I knew how my mother died.  "Yes, she died of a heart attack," I said back.  Of course I was sad.... but they knew damn well the worst hasn't even hit me yet. They put me on watch.  I was pulled into the office every week, constantly asked how I was doing.  It wasn't until I was visiting my aunt Joyce in Lynn and I told her that I was sad that my mom died from a heart attack, why couldnt she just take care of herself.... I said.  "Is that what they are telling you Krystal?  That your mother died from a heart attack?  She didn't die that way."  "How then?  My dad wouldn't lie to me!"  "Here I will prove to you that he is lying."  She went to her drawer and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me.  I read the cause of death and felt myself break inside.  "See, I told you," my aunt replied.  I still dislike this aunt.

Those pieces still have not healed. I think I am more angry that my father expected me to be okay when I learned about it.  It was like her dying all over again.  I asked my cousin LauraLee who i was very close to all my life why she would lie to me and keep that secret.  "I still don't believe she did that.  She wouldn't leave you kids on purpose.  You were her whole soul.   Her whole heart.  I believe it was an accident.  Plus, your father asked us to keep it from you.  So I did."

Was I her heart and soul that she talked about to all the customers at her work?  Yeah she talked about me.  But if i was worth it, then she would still be here with me, wouldn't she?  Wouldn't her two precious kids be worth staying alive for? Her Jimmy and her Rosie Girl?  Wouldn't that be enough?  I have little confidence in myself because of that reason.  I want to be worth love.  I want to be worth her own MOTHERS love.  I want to be worth her mother staying alive for.  I never thought being loved was so much to ask for.  Now I know the truth.  So when I put myself down, its not for attention or to be told differently.  Its because I truely believe that if i was worth it, my mother would still be alive.

_______